


we're walking lines in parallel

by criminelles



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-04 12:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16347125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criminelles/pseuds/criminelles
Summary: Sam knows him better than that though and it’s still something that pisses him off after so many years of friendship. He loves the guy, really he does, but sometimes could he wishes he would just lay off and let him worm his way out of things like everyone else lets him. ‘Casey’s coming.She called me, told me she’ll be back home for the summer.’Suddenly Derek is transported back to the dining room, with his arm around Sam’s neck and his stomach is flip flopping as he hears angry footsteps come down the stairs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm back on my bullshit again.

The envelope is familiar in way that makes him shudder. There had been many a letter he had hand delivered to his parents that came in this exact envelope. But eventually he caught on and stopped giving them to his parents, and soon the school caught on too and just started mailing them. 

It’s grey with the school logo in the top left corner. It’s been ten years and he still has to resist the urge to shove it down to the bottom of his backpack and pretend it doesn’t exist.

But curiosity kills, or maybe that’s smoking, so he opens it up and sees that it’s an invitation. To the class of 2008. He’s left wondering how they even got his address, it’s not exactly like he moved across the country but Kitchener is kind of out of the way and there’s no way in hell he ever replied to that email asking him to update his address for the alumni list. But there it is, on the front with his name Derek Venturi right on top.

Then Sam calls him and he thinks Sam has always been a little too sneaky for his own good. ‘You’re coming right?’ After some classic hockey talk, then commiserating over end of year teacher business, the topic of the hour comes up.

Derek opens his fridge and stares at it like food might appear through the power of sheer will, taking his time to answer. ‘I don’t know man.’ He finally shuts the door but not before taking out a beer. ‘It’s a drive and the summer is just starting.’ He opens it up and takes a sip, his mind on autopilot and flipping through his mental rolodex of excuses. He doesn’t even need to think about it, it’ll come naturally.

Sam knows him better than that though and it’s still something that pisses him off after so many years of friendship. He loves the guy, really he does, but sometimes could he wishes he would just lay off and let him worm his way out of things like everyone else lets him. ‘Casey’s coming.’ He chokes on his beer and ends up with it running down his shirt, forming a stain that vaguely looks like the state of Florida. ‘She called me, told me she’ll be back home for the summer.’ Sam offers as explanation when he doesn’t get a response back.

Suddenly Derek is transported back to the dining room, with his arm around Sam’s neck and his stomach is flip flopping as he hears angry footsteps come down the stairs.

Derek tries to compose himself, rubbing at his eye with his wrist. ‘Great, another reason not to go.’ He sounds almost convincing when the truth is that he reacts like always. He can’t help himself sometimes and it always gets him in the end.

‘Oh come on, dude.’ Sam is irritated with this old song and dance but Derek’s not done with it just yet. ‘Let’s fast forward through all this bs because you and I both know that you’re going to come.’ Derek narrows his eyes like Sam can see his expression. He hears him sigh on the other end of the line.

He gives in, kind of. ‘Okay, I’ll come.’ He pauses, weighing his options. ‘But I’m expecting the most epic of nights, and you pick up the tab.’ He’s always tried to work whatever angle he’s given, this is no exception. Sam laughs and Derek knows he’s won. 

After they hang up and he’s faced with the fact that he should probably call to let his dad and Nora know he’s coming to town, he considers ditching the whole thing and claiming some kind of communicable disease. Instead, he settles on not calling at all. Everyone loves a surprise after all.

 

* * *

 

Everyone _is_ surprised that Derek decides to go to teacher’s college. But it’s an easy choice for him. It’s not too hard to get into, especially since he managed to get into Queens. On a hockey scholarship sure, but it counts.

He moved back home for a bit. Western wasn’t too bad. Sam helped him get through it and he wouldn’t let him forget it. George and Nora were happy enough to have him and it gave him a chance to heal.

Then he got a job at a Catholic high school in Kitchener with a great athletic program. 

The funny thing is, he actually likes teaching. The kids are entertaining and they like him enough not to give him too much shit. They call him Coach V and he doesn’t hate it.

Sometimes he wonders what Casey would think if she could see him, whistle around his neck, clipboard in his hand, calling attendance. But he tries not to think about her too much.


	2. Chapter 2

‘What’s the suitcase for?’ She asks as she pulls her bra back on. He doesn’t answer, instead he reaches out and fixes a strap that’s twisted around. She looks back over her shoulder and smiles as a thanks. 

He lies back and stares at the crack in his ceiling, forgetting her question but not really. What he really meant to do was pack a backpack the morning that he’s due back but for some reason there’s this nagging voice in his head that sounds kind of familiar and he packs a night early. He doesn’t really want to talk about it, think about it, but now she’s lying next to him with her head on his shoulder, looking up expectantly at him.

He likes Jennifer, really. Teenage him would have called her a guy’s girl but he’s learned since then. She’s older, divorced, likes hockey mostly because her son plays on the team and she doesn’t freak out when he doesn’t immediately respond to her texts. She also doesn’t expect any giant declaration of his feelings for her because their relationship is a strictly ‘on the weekends when her kids are with her ex-husband’ thing.

Or after PTA meetings where she corners him in the parking lot. It’s easy.

So he knows he could tell her it’s nothing and she would take his answer at face value. Somehow he feels compelled to answer. ‘Heading back home for this lame high school reunion.’ She laughs a little, high school reunions a thing of the past for her. ‘I wouldn’t normally go but I got a buddy who teaches there and he would kill me if I didn’t come.’

She sits up now, combing through her long blonde hair with her fingers to get it presentable. ‘Well, I hope you have a great time reliving the good ol’ days.’ She smiles at him and looks for her shirt. He throws it at her from his side and she catches it perfectly, slipping it on. ‘I gotta go, having coffee with Debbie.’ She presses a kiss to his cheek as she gets up and grabs her bag from the floor. ‘We’ll do this again sometime?’ He nods and watches her leave.

When she’s gone he looks at his suitcase, then gets up and decides that maybe this’ll be a prolonged trip as he shoves more clothes into it.

 

* * *

 

The good thing about having a history of jumping from girl to girl is that people expect it from him. No one really pushes him on the ‘not having settled down’ thing unless they’re Aunt Madge.

There’s also the benefit of having serial monogamist Casey to be compared to who is always dating ‘the one’.

He makes it a point not to ask about her love life but when he’s back home it’s hard not to overhear Nora talking about it, especially when Lizzie comes to visit.

So he was minding his own business, just trying to get a bag of chips when he walked in on a conversation between them that looked too serious for him to intrude on. 

He contemplated heading back to his room, but then his stomach growled and he decided that whatever it is, they both seemed so lost in their discussion that they probably would’t even notice him. 

He was right. Nora had her hands wrapped around a mug while Lizzie dipped her head down to get closer to her mom. ‘I think it’s totally sick.’ She told her and Nora nodded.

‘It seems incredibly inappropriate.’ She agreed with her daughter.

That’s when Derek became interested. He opened the fridge and looked into it, hoping he looked natural enough that they wouldn’t know he was totally eavesdropping.

‘She won’t listen to me.’ Lizzie continued. ‘She says it’s not like that, that he gets her.’ She made a sound of disgust.

Nora sighed. ‘You know Casey, she always gets blinders when there’s a guy.’ He froze, stuck in place. ‘But maybe it’ll fizzle out.’ She said hopefully.

Lizzie scoffed. ‘Casey? Fizzle?’ She took a deep breath and Derek straightened out. ‘Oh hi, Derek.’ She said as he slammed the door shut.

They both turned to look at him as he grabbed the bag of chips that he left on the counter. ‘Hey, I gotta go.’ He speed walked out of the kitchen.

He heard it from the horse’s mouth when she came to visit for Christmas. There is a guy, his name is Calum and they’re going to move in together when she finishes her thesis. The news ruined his appetite.

Later, he overheard Lizzie telling Edwin that he’s her thesis supervisor, her professor, that’s why they have to wait until she finishes her degree and he thought about what a lame cliche she was, that she’ll always be and then tried to forget the whole thing.


	3. Chapter 3

Marti is the first one that sees him. He can see her peeking out from her window as he pulls into the driveway. He sits for a bit, savouring the silence for a moment before the door bursts open and she comes running out.

‘Derek!’ She bangs on his window and he laughs as she yanks on the door handle and just about pulls him out. ‘Oh my god, what are you doing here?’ She doesn’t wait for an answer and just wraps her arms around him. He returns the hug, picking her up a bit but she’s got some kind of freak gene that makes her only a bit shorter than him. Edwin is pretty pissed about it.

‘Hey Smarti.’ He says as he lets her go. She takes a step back and sticks out her tongue at him. He’s glad at least someone will always be happy to see him. She looks back at the house, Nora standing in the doorway with Simon standing at her side. He can’t see their faces, the light on the porch is too soft but he hopes he won’t get the third degree.

He follows Marti back into the house, leaving his stuff behind in the car. She’s got one arm around him, babbling about high school graduation and prom and whatever drama of the week has caught her attention now. It reminds him that he needs to take her out to a baseball game, get some Venturi back in her.

Nora hugs him, barely hiding the surprise on her face. ‘Derek, you should have called.’ He shrugs, not wanting to dwell on it. He’s here, too late to turn back now.

George comes out from the kitchen, a dishtowel on his shoulder and a red stain on the apron he’s wearing. ‘Derek!’ He doesn’t bother to hide his surprise, in fact he looks nervous. ‘You’re here.’

Derek wastes no time, sitting down in the recliner that George bought to replace the one he took with him to Kitchener and getting comfortable. ‘Sure am.’ Simon looks at him suspiciously from his spot next to Nora before he beckons him over and ruffles his hair. ‘What’s up little bro?’ Simon breaks into a smile and settles onto the couch next to him.

He notices Nora wringing her hands in that nervous way she has out of the corner of his eye before she disappears into the kitchen.

Simon is telling a rather animated story about a water gun fight he’s been actively engaged in with the other boys in the neighbourhood before they’re interrupted by someone coming down the stairs rather loudly.

Her voice hits him, at least it feels like a physical blow because he instinctively winces. ‘Derek?’ She doesn’t break his name in two like usual, which is usually a good thing but now it’s almost worse. ‘What are you doing here?’ She’s standing in front of him now, hands on her hips in a familiar pose, one that he often imagines when he hears her name.

‘Forgot that I used to live here too?’ He smirks up at her and she makes that face, eyes narrowed, brows drawn together in that way that sometimes makes him want to reach out and smooth that little line forms between them. ‘Relax, I’m here for the reunion and then I’m going back to Kitchener.’

Her eyes flick up, to something beyond him and she sighs. He notices her hair is pin straight and can’t help but a little relieved. She only takes the time to get up in the morning to curl her hair if she has a boyfriend, although maybe things are different now.

Maybe he doesn’t know her as well as he used to. She looks back at him and he wants a fight, she knows it, he knows it. Instead she goes back up stairs without another word.

Simon, who has gone quiet during this exchange, exhales loudly. ‘Girls are weird.’

Derek looks at him. ‘Very weird.’ Then he stretches out, bones suddenly weary and gestures for the remote. So things won’t snap back to the way they used to be, they’re not teenagers anymore. He can work with that.

 

* * *

 

Really, it’s Derek who should be surprised she’s there, if you just ignore that Sam told him that she would be there. He’s the one who moved back, she’s the one who left and never looked back.

After Queens, which amounts to one big nothing between them. She chose UBC, the country’s best creative writing program, and he wondered what the hell was up with the west coast but then stopped himself because he couldn’t follow that thought to its conclusion. They both agreed they wouldn’t go there.

He helped her pack up her stuff in her dorm but really he mostly lay on her bed and made fun of the various knick knacks she had in her room.

There’s a creepy figurine of a baby she kept on her desk, staring at deviously at him. It was a gift from Felicia and he should have guessed that something so evil looking would come from that woman.

There’s an ugly painting she never hung up but instead was wedged between her bed and the wall. It was a painting of her, something that her ex-boyfriend had made in a last ditch attempt to get back together with her, thinking that a grand romantic gesture would work like it had all the other times they broke up but she had her mind set. She was leaving for Vancouver with no attachments. Derek was kind of relieved, finding David to be Truman part two and not even his budding basketball career was interesting enough to save him.

Derek had asked her if she was planning to date the whole spectrum of athletes when he saw her at a party with this guy’s arm around her for the first time. ‘Looks like you just got baseball left. Oh, but don’t forget lacrosse, our national sport after all.’ She dumped her drink on him and David looked a little confused. Derek realized that he thought he just called her a slut and wow that’s pretty low for a brother. She didn’t talk to him for two whole months after that.

He noticed her hunched over something in her closet and it immediately peaked his interest. He sat up, and tried to see over her shoulder. ‘Case.’ She didn’t move, didn’t respond and he thought she’s either about to burst into tears over some other ugly crap she got from David or she’s hiding something from him.

Either way he made his way over to her and she suddenly shoved something under her shirt in a moment of panic. ‘What is that?’ His arm moved around her waist and tried to grab at the lumpy thing under her shirt. She elbowed him swiftly and he almost doubled over but now he knew there was something real good under there and gritted his teeth through the pain. ‘What is it?’ He managed to get out but Casey ducked under his arm and tossed whatever it is in her suitcase, shut it and sat on top of it.

‘Nothing.’ She finally responded but her face betrayed her because she would always suck at lying and he had to know what it was.

So it was like they were fifteen again and fighting over the remote in the living room but instead they’re twenty two, well she was twenty one, and when he moved over to push her off the suitcase, her hands met his chest and pushed him back. He fell back but then grabbed her ankle, pulling her down off her perch. Her other foot connected with his shoulder but he was stronger, they weren't evenly matched anymore. She went sliding across the floor but she was fast and managed to get onto her knees, yanking her foot out of his hand.

So her strategy changed, she launched herself at him, pining him underneath her, pushing him down, fingers wrapped around his wrists. He looked up at her with her hair falling in pieces from her loose ponytail so that they tickled his cheeks, the smell of her vanilla lipgloss overwhelming and her eyes had that weird glint to them that made his stomach flip flop.

He made a move to get up, but she held firm. ‘No.’ It was a whisper, kind of, and he shivered involuntarily. God, he could be such a girl sometimes. They looked at each other for a moment, before she let go and sat up, running a hand through her ruined ponytail and he thought, for a split second, that this is what she would look like if they did that thing they said they wouldn’t and he almost wanted to tell her, be vulgar and make her act offended even though they both know she thought about it as much as he did. He shook his head, hoping that thought will pop right out and never return.

She got off of him. ‘I think you should go.’ She said to him quietly and he felt it all over again. Every time they got somewhere she had to pull back, get away from him. They waited too long and now it was too late.

But he got up, stood by the door and took a deep breath. Her back was to him, she was looking at the suitcase now. He opened the door but before he turned to go, she flipped it open and he saw the familiar colours of the Gaels jersey and made out the letter v-e-n.


	4. Chapter 4

The reunion is fun. Kind of. They’re in some ballroom of a local hotel where the carpet looks like the 70s threw up but at least there’s alcohol.

They go together and Casey spends the first hour glued to his side, trying to look around and spot someone, anyone she can talk to. She has a glass of wine that’s she been holding onto like a life raft and he feels almost bad but she’s also making it kind of awkward to catch up with his old hockey teammates.

Sam takes pity on her, classic Sam, and tries to strike up a conversation and Derek can hear it in the background while he’s trying to recount his story of being drafted.

‘Well yeah, it’s kind of a crazy business now with all the upheaval that self-publishing has done.’ God, could she be any more boring? He doesn’t hear Sam’s response but he sees her straighten up out of the corner of her eye.

‘Noel!’ She bounces over to him and wraps her arms around him in a hug. Derek tears his attention away to watch the scene unfold, weirdly compelled to observe.

Noel looks exactly the same, all sharp angles and slouched posture. He smiles at Casey and Derek takes a step closer to them, shamelessly trying to eavesdrop.

‘Oh Noel, it’s so good to see you!’ Casey beams at him and he rubs the back of his neck. ‘It’s great to see you too.’ She gestures to the bar and Derek tries not to look like he’s trying to beat them there.

He manages to settle into place, very casually leaning against the bar with a beer in his hand just as they’re approaching. Casey spots him and rolls her eyes, like she wasn’t just pretending they were attached at the hip a couple minutes ago.

Noel doesn’t seem to notice the tension, instead greeting Derek before ordering a wine. Of course.

‘So what have you been doing since… high school?’ Casey has the decency to look ashamed that she hasn’t spoken to her dear friend, just friends, since graduation.

He doesn’t look phased through and shrugs in that modest way that makes Derek grind his teeth. ‘Well I went to Western for English and then I kind of freelanced for a bit but now I’m writing for this children’s show but nothing you ever heard of.’ This guy is laying it on thick.

Casey is eating it up, putting a hand on his arm. ‘Try me.’ She smiles brightly at him and Derek feels like he’s completely invisible. It pisses him off how she has the power to do that. He doesn’t catch Noel’s answer but he does catch Casey’s excited bounce. ‘Oh my god, my brother watches that all the time.’

Noel looks confused over her shoulder at Derek. ‘Derek watches Zoo Crew?’ Casey looks back and seems almost disappointed he’s still standing there. He answers for her. ‘No, Simon, our little brother.’ He stresses the ‘our’ and Casey narrows her eyes at him.

She turns back to face Noel, who looks mildly interested. ‘I didn’t know you had another brother.’ She shrugs. ‘Yeah, he’s almost ten. My mom had him after we graduated high school.’

He nods, then takes a sip of his wine. Derek has to leave before he passes out from boredom and thankfully spots Sam and Ralph. He doesn’t say anything as he makes his way to them but somehow feels Casey’s gaze on him.

The reunion passes with a blur. He talks to Sam and Ralph but they’ve kept in touch since graduation so they mostly just dick around the ballroom, talking shit when Max Miller makes an appearance, looking noticeably more orange and leathery. Kendra intercepts them at one point, giving them her card because she’s an event planner now and reveals that she and Sam had a friends with benefits thing all throughout university that makes Derek raise his eyebrow.

He opens his mouth to invoke the male code but Sam cuts him off. ‘You can’t say shit about male code.’ His eyes flicker to where Casey’s standing, still talking to Noel but at least Emily’s there now. ‘Exes were never really off limits were they?’

Derek almost chokes on his drink and Ralph looks between them for a second, then sees Casey and nods in understanding. ‘You’re drunk.’ Derek says as he points to Sam. ’Totally wasted.’ Sam just shrugs.

So he does what he always does and leaves Casey behind, goes home by himself. It doesn’t matter though because she doesn’t come back until the next morning. Sneaking into the house through the backdoor but he’s already sitting at the island, coffee in hand. ‘Tsk, tsk, breaking curfew.’ She jumps at his voice, shoes in her hands. ‘Jesus Christ, you scared me.’ She runs a hand through her hair, messy but not completely disheveled, promising.

Then, she comes to the island and takes the mug from his hands, making a face when she takes a sip. ‘Ugh, I don’t know how you can drink it like this.’ He watches with mild interest. ‘Because I actually want to drink coffee, not sugary milk.’ She downs the rest of it and hands the mug back to him. ‘Well, I’m off to bed.’ 

He watches her go, fighting the urge to ask but he’s fighting a losing battle. ‘Have fun with Noel?’ She doesn’t turn around to answer him, just flips him off as she turns to go up the stairs.

* * *

One summer, before their last year at Queens, they and a bunch of their friends rent out a cottage and spend a week goofing off and drinking, enjoying the last summer they’d have to themselves.

They’ve settled into a quasi-comfortable friendship. Turns out Casey’s plan to be Derek free throughout college lasted about a second before they found themselves back in each other’s gravitational pull.

It just so happens that they wind up in the same group of friends, through no fault of Derek, just to be clear. He tried his best to give her space but when did that ever work out?

So they were in the middle of cottage country, somehow the only two standing out on the deck of this cottage David’s dad had scored for them and his beer had gone warm about ten minutes ago but he couldn’t move for a reason he would never acknowledge.

She was staring out at the trees, the lake just beyond them. The sun had just set and the sky was that pink that would always remind him of this moment.

For the record, he had left to go outside by himself, trying to get away from a very drunk Stacey who he had regretted inviting almost immediately but the thought of spending a week with Casey and David all over each other meant that he needed a distraction.

So Casey was the one who followed him. He thought that must count for something even though she didn’t say anything for a couple minutes, just stared, leaning against the railing with her empty cup hanging precariously from her hand.

He took the moment to examine her profile, realizing about five seconds in how creepy it must have been, him just staring at her but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her.

She didn’t turn to him as she spoke, just kept a neutral expression on her face. ‘Do you think it’s too late?’

He frowned and took a step closer to her. ‘What?’ She looked at him now and there was something in her eyes that he couldn’t place but it made his chest feel awkward and hollow. ‘For us.’ She looked down at her feet, as if she was ashamed of her question all of a sudden. ‘To be happy.’

His throat went dry and he took a long gulp of his beer, the lukewarm liquid only serving to make him feel sicker. It was Derek’s turn to look away, leaning against the railing just in case the feeling crawling up from his feet didn’t let up and his knees went out. ‘I don’t know.’ The question was loaded, she knew it and so did he. It was why she was looking so guilty, opening up Pandora’s box when they both knew that it would only ever be just talk.

Still, there was something heavy in the air. Casey covered her face with a hand and took a shaky breath. He knew she was about to cry and for the first time in probably ever, he reached out to her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She tucked her head under his chin like a puzzle piece and he regretted breaking his rule almost immediately.

‘I don’t want to live with regret.’ She mumbled, her voice just as shaky as her breath. He didn’t say anything, just closed his eyes. How many times could they do this dance. The what if game was enough to eat them alive and he was trying his best to save them both. He had thought that things would be different when they moved away and they were but it was worse. He was just following her lead and yeah, maybe he thought about if things would have been different if he hadn’t played along with her denial but it was what it was.

He didn’t know what to do so he did what he always did. He let her go. ‘We shouldn’t do something we’ll regret.’ He told her seriously, taking a step back.

The look she gave him made his gut clench. He always had a weak stomach after all. He could see her eyes were watery, the fairy lights from inside reflecting on the tears that were just on the brink of spilling over.

They both took a jump back as they heard the sliding door open. ‘David.’ Casey said his name without emotion as she wiped her eyes. He immediately came over to her, wrapping her up in his arms. ‘Babe, what’s wrong?’ He asked, then looked over to Derek with a look that was somewhere between confusion and blame.

Derek threw up his arms in defeat. ‘Don’t ask me, you know how crazy emotional she is.’ Casey was his problem now, at least that’s what he told himself when he went back inside.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the week and he pretended he didn’t see her avoiding looking his way for the rest of the night, head turned so not to see Stacey on his lap, pressing sloppy kisses on his neck.


	5. Chapter 5

He has trouble sleeping some nights. It’s not a big deal, just casual insomnia. They’re not exclusive, only finding each other in the dark when it suits them both.

The nights since he came back are not easy. Maybe it’s the fact that his room has been completely sanitized of him, now a sterile guest room. Nora and George are still in the basement but now Simon’s in Casey’s room, forcing her to stay in Lizzie’s old room. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s not on the other side of the wall that freaks him out.

Back then, before everything got all mixed up, he could sometimes hear her breathing through the vent in the wall and it helped. Just knowing she was there.

So it’s 2am and he forgets even trying to fall asleep, deciding that he needs some fresh air, making a detour to the kitchen for a glass of water before stepping out the backdoor into the night.

The moon is out and he can make out a couple stars in the sky. He looks to the side and sees Casey fumbling with something, trying to hide from him. He sees smoke twist out of her mouth.

‘You’re smoking?’ He asks almost in disbelief. This is Casey, health nut extraordinaire. Her hand curls around the pack that’s lying in the chair next to her and she holds it against her chest. She looks ashamed. ‘Any tattoos or piercings you got under there?’ He hooks a finger in the loose sleeve of her pink fluffy bathrobe.

‘You can’t tell my mom.’ She’s pleading as he sits in the chair next to her. He shrugs, feeling that familiar pleasure at having something to hold over her. It’s been too long.

He sighs and nods. ‘Okay, fine.’ He tips his head back and looks up at the sky.

Casey’s gaze is still trained on him and the silence would be awkward if there was silence. The backyard is filled with the sound of cicadas and now that he’s noticed it can’t help but irritate him. ‘I, um, I started just going on smoke breaks with Calum and picked up the habit I guess.’ She’s looking down at the pack in her lap in that way she does when she’s filled with emotion. Her eyes are shiny and he’s afraid she’s going to cry and nope, he’s still not good with tears.

He sticks his hand out, curling his fingers in a ‘gimme’ motion. She looks at him in disbelief now. ‘Well, come on. We’re all adults here.’ So she pulls a cigarette out of the pack, of course she smokes menthols, and hands it him. He puts his glass down on the grass and gestures for the lighter that’s lying in between her thighs. She doesn’t respond fast enough, or at least that’s his excuse before he reaches over and grabs it. ‘Der-ek!’ She whispers rather loudly so Derek smirks at her as he lights up.

‘So.’ He leans back in his chair, slipping easily into a cool, calm and collected demeanour even though his gut clenched at the mention of Calum. ‘You’re not heading back West yet?’ Shameless digging, he knows everything she doesn’t want him to know. No one in the family was ever good at hiding secrets anyway.

Casey shifts uncomfortably, pulling her hair back to put into a ponytail before realizing she doesn’t have a hair tie on her wrist and letting it fall back down. ‘No.’ The answer is curt and short and he knows that she knows that he knows.

He leans over to her, hand on her arm and he knows how to goad it out of her. He wants to hear it, he wants her to tell him. Instead she looks resolutely ahead, lifting her chin defiantly because they both know how it goes. They both know she’s going to crumble in five, four, three, two- ‘I lost my job.’

Derek leans back. Okay, that he didn’t know. ‘What?’ He’s genuinely shocked. Sure Casey was a shitty waitress and yeah, maybe he’s not the authority on poetry or fiction or whatever but the idea that she would be fired from her dream job is kind out of his realm of imagination.

She looks away now, exhaling loudly and he knows she’s on the verge of tears for real now. He pulls back further, instinctively.

‘I haven’t told anyone.’ She admits to the Davis’ fence. He doesn’t say anything, the weight of her admission is heavy and he feels sick all over again. ’They fired me, I moved out and I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life.’

She looks back at him again and he sees that she’s not crying. In fact her face is kind of blank. It scares him more than he’d like to admit. ‘Does that make you happy?’ Her voice is low and he wonders for a moment if he misheard but she’s looking at him, right at him and he’s compelled to respond. ‘No. It doesn’t.’

For all the shit they’ve been through, all the things they’ve said to each other, he never wanted to hurt her. Yeah maybe he would be selfish, do or say the wrong thing because he wasn’t thinking but the idea of her hurting twisted him up inside in this way he couldn’t really understand until it was too late.

She takes a deep breath, plucking the cigarette from his fingers and takes a long drag. ‘I never thought we’d be here.’ She says as she blows smoke up into the air. He watches her for a moment, then two before he gets up. The atmosphere is too heavy, he’s suddenly too hot. He’s at the door when he turns back to her. ‘Case, I’m sorry.’ She looks back at him, the moon casting a shadow on her face. ‘Me too.’

 

* * *

 

The first time he went to visit her in Vancouver, she had this guilty look in her eye the whole time. It made her more than amicable in a way that caught him off guard. So many years of fighting then working together before fighting again had left him suspicious of her kindness that almost always had strings attached. Or at least was meant to soften the blow of something she had done that she felt bad about.

She lasted about seven hours before she caved. He should have known because she brought him to Stanley Park, somewhere with witnesses, and plopped down on a bench in full view of a family who was desperately trying to sort out how to take a photo with a giant tree.

‘So, I just want to tell you before you find out through some other way.’ She started, staring at her hands in her lap. She was twisting a ring that was on her middle finger on her right hand. He had never seen it before but it didn’t look tacky enough to be from someone who would date her. ‘When I first moved here…’ He braced himself for either something really awful or something really lame. ‘And well, I guess Sally saw on Facebook or something but she reached out to me, so we’ve been hanging out.’

Derek sucked in a breath, only because the news was so off base from whatever he had imagined, not that he could remember what he thought she was going to say. ‘So you’re…’ He trailed off to let her fill in the blanks but she didn’t. ‘Dating my ex-girlfriend?’

Casey finally looked up at him. ‘Oh my god, no.’ She shook her head as if the thought was so disturbing she had to physically shake it out of her head. ‘We’re just hanging out, she showed me around.’ Then she looked at him pityingly and it struck him how much she looked like Nora sometimes. ‘I just didn’t want it to be weird that I’m friends with her.’ She put a hand on his arm, but pulled it away when he looked down at it.

‘Why would it be weird?’ He really wanted her to spell it out, mostly because she was squirming uncomfortably. Yeah, he deeply deeply resented them being friends while they were dating. Minus a few hiccups here and there, his relationship with Sally was mostly free from Casey’s meddling, it was free from Casey and then she had to worm her way back in. But he hadn’t spoken to Sally in years and he was pretty sure that she hadn’t thought of him all that much either.

Casey bit her lip, trying to think of what to say and how to say it before she got up. ‘Would you like some help?’ She called to the family as she strode towards them. ‘I can take the picture.’ The mother looked gratefully at her before handing the camera off. He watched the family get into position as Casey angled herself to get everything into frame. When she was done, he thought she almost looked nervous as she walked back to him.

She didn’t sit down next to him, instead stood right in front of him and pointedly did not answer the question. ‘I told her I’d have dinner with her tonight, you should come with us.’ He made a pained face, like he rather have his teeth pulled with rusty pliers than have dinner with his ex-girlfriend and step-sister. She rolled her eyes. ‘Be mature for once, please.’

He got up and stamped his foot in a perfect impression of Marti, or Simon. ‘But I don’t wanna.’ She took a deep breath and shook her head. He knew he didn’t exactly have a choice.

So that’s how he ended up at an expensive sushi restaurant, sitting across from Sally and beside Casey, and realizing that he would never know how to use chopsticks.

Of course he’d never admit it to anyone but it was kind of nice to see Sally. Things hadn’t ended all that great, which was only made worse by his decision to go to Queens. It wasn’t exactly discussed between them but when he told her, she blocked his number.

But there she was, her hair a shade or two darker, but the same old Sally. She didn’t stab him in the eye with her chopstick or spill her green tea down his shirt, always a good sign. She actually hugged him when she saw him. He was surprised as Casey, who gave him a thumbs up from over her shoulder.

It was kind of annoying how the inside jokes that he once shared with her were replaced by inside jokes she had with Casey but what was he going to do.

Apparently spend the whole night trying to figure out how to get his shrimp tempura from the plate to his mouth.

‘So I heard you got drafted.’ Sally looked at him, making him abandon his food completely.

He rubs his hands against his jeans. ‘Uh, yeah. Minnesota Wilds.’ He nodded, feeling suddenly awkward now that the spotlight was on him. Suddenly he could remember all the times that Sally made him feel like she was a math problem that he could never get the right answer to, he was always one number off.

But then she smiled that brilliant smile and he relaxed, a little. ‘That’s so great, Derek.’ It came out so genuine that it hurt. ‘I’m glad you could make some time for little old me and your sister.’ She looked at Casey and he could see her duck her head. Neither of them corrected her.

Casey cleared her throat. ‘Would you excuse me?’ He could see her tuck her phone in her pocket as she got up, trying to be stealthy and failing.

Sally leaned onto the table with her elbows and zeroed in on Derek. ‘So tell me really, how have you been?’ He looked at her and shrugged, what was there to say. She sighed, clearly familiar with his inability to talk to her. She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms in defeat. ‘Then I’ll tell you how I’ve been.’ He looked at her blankly, relieved that his desire to please her was long gone. ‘I graduated from UBC, got back together with Patrick, dumped Patrick, spent a year in Seattle and now I’m here, with you.’

He sighed. ‘I don’t want to fight with you.’ He says almost automatically.

She scoffed. ‘I know. You don’t want anything with me.’ Then she leaned back in. ‘And I’m okay with that, I promise you.’ She looked at him, really looked right at him and he knew despite all the bullshit, he did love her because maybe she read him wrong sometimes but she did know him. And when she spoke, it was with that same genuine affection she carried for everyone, even when he wishes she didn’t. It wasn’t hard to remember why he cared about her even when she was telling him she didn’t care about him.

Either way, Casey, for once in her life, saved the day by coming back to the table with a ridiculous blush on her face. Sally gave her a smile, one of those that only a woman who knows exactly what another woman in a two meter radius is thinking. ‘Is that who I think it is?’ Casey looked down and Sally laughed, pleased with herself. ‘I knew it!’

Derek was left looking between them like he was at a very confusing tennis match. He was back with that surreal feeling, like someone had airlifted him out of these two girls’ lives and didn’t bother to mention it to him. He suddenly felt sick and wondered who thought eating raw fish is a good idea.

So he spent the rest of the dinner quiet, quietly fuming really because yeah maybe he’s an adult now but not being the centre of attention when you’re the guest here is kind of obnoxious and annoying.

It’s only after they left the restaurant, sending Sally off in a cab and walking him to this hotel that Derek decided to indulge his baser instincts. ‘Well, I’ve officially figured out ten different ways I can kill myself with things I can find at a sushi place.’

Casey frowned at him. ‘It wasn’t that bad.’ She said but it ended up sounding more like a question.

He shrugged, getting ready to rev up to a whole spiel about how painful the whole ordeal was. ‘Hanging out with you is tough enough but then you add my ex-girlfriend, who by the way, had to mention Patrick to me, and I’m thinking a root canal sounds like more fun right now.’

He looked at Casey and she had a weird look on her face, like she was figuring out a complicated algebra problem in her head. ‘Patrick?’ Then it was like something clicked. ‘Do you think she was trying to make you…’ She leaned in to whisper. ‘Jealous?’

Derek laughed and she leaned back from him, as if the sound hurt her. ‘No.’ He told her confidently. ‘There’s nothing there anymore. But not exactly a time in my life I’d like to look back on.’

Casey looked down at her feet. ‘Okay, well. I’m sorry.’ She said with no emotion because she wasn’t sorry but she also wasn’t passive aggressive enough to push the subject.

They had reached his hotel and he felt a wave of relief. He was already filing away this dinner in the back of his mind to never be called upon again. ‘You wanna come up for a drink? The Four Seasons knows how to stock a minibar.’

Casey took her phone out of her pocket and looked at the time, he could see that she had gotten a text. ‘Um, actually, I gotta head home. Papers to grade and all that.’ She gave him a quick hug and rushed off, almost she had been waiting for the moment to get away from him.

Maybe at the time, he had read into it. Felt that queasy feeling he did when he felt like she was hiding something from him, trying her best to keep him out of this part of her life that he always managed to weasel his way into. Looking back though, he couldn’t quite recall what he felt when he went into the lobby, got into the elevator and went up to his room. It was an emotional blank spot but for some reason it felt much better to forget it.


	6. Chapter 6

This time he’s invited. Well, technically he’s a plus one or plus three at this point, but it counts. Marti has an all access pass to the Davis’ as one of the good neighbours and as Dimi’s best friend. Which means that Simon bugs her from the moment she comes down for breakfast to take him swimming next door.

She extends the offer to Derek, then Casey, who is buried in some book that she doesn’t even hear her. ‘Earth to Casey?’ She waves a hand in front of her before flicking the cover of the book.

Casey looks up alarmed and annoyed until she sees it’s Marti. ‘Oh sorry, what?’ She doesn’t look the least bit sheepish, just inserts her bookmark into the book and places it down beside her coffee, smoothing over the pristine cover.

Marti rolls her eyes. ‘Do you wanna go swimming with us?’ She briefly glances at Derek but he gives her a well trained blank look.

Casey looks at her book then back at Marti and shrugs. ‘Okay sure.’

So they walk the short distance between the two houses after breakfast, smelling of too much sunscreen which Nora and then Casey had insisted upon. Dimi lets them in and winks at Marti, who makes a face at him. Derek slaps a hand down on Dimi’s shoulder. ‘Thanks.’ It’s laced with more than just a little protective brother warning. Dimi claps down a hand on his shoulder in response. ‘No problem.’ Okay so maybe they both have cause to be protective but he and Emily ended on good terms. Kind of.

Casey is wearing a one piece, something sensible that covers her up. Of course she’d show up looking like a nun at the beach but then maybe it’s better that way. He’s an adult now but his self control is still a little shaky at best.

Marti and Dimi go off immediately to the deep end, leaving Casey and Derek to entertain Simon in the shallow end. He keeps his distance though, allowing her to take the lead. It feels weird, the three of them. Nora once asked him why he was against spending time with Casey and Simon, if she could read between the lines maybe she’d get it but Derek just chalked it up to being so much older than him and Casey being Casey.

He sits on the edge, legs in the water and fiddles with his phone, trying not to think too much. He feels a hand on his knee, Casey’s floating in front of him. She looks at his leg, fingers tracing the white jagged line that runs down his knee to the middle of his shin. He pushes her hand away. ‘Don’t.’ He doesn’t look at her face. ‘Just don’t.’ She pushes off the side of the pool and floats away from him a. The sun is in his eyes so he sees a distorted version of her face. She looks apologetic and guilty but that could just be his mind playing tricks on him.

She swims back to Simon, who’s entirely amused with the pool pump. Derek slips into the pool, going underwater and squeezing his eyes shut. One, two, three. When he breaks the surface, Casey’s gone.

 

* * *

 

The truth is that it’s not her fault. He doesn’t even claim that it’s her fault. In fact, he’s the one who thinks it’s entirely ridiculous that she thinks it’s her fault.

It could have happened to anyone, it’s just that it happened to him. How many guys have had their hockey careers cut short by injuries? He actually doesn’t know so maybe that’s not his strongest argument.

In fact, it kind of pisses him off that she thinks it’s her fault. Like the world revolves around her. Like she’s the butterfly whose wings caused a hurricane on the other side of the world.

He played a good two years before they head to Vancouver for the game to end all games. She insisted on at least taking him out to dinner, like a good sister. They fought and that night, when he was on the ice and barreling down the rink with the puck, a Canuck slammed into him so hard that the padding wasn’t enough to save his knee.

There was a lot of blood, like ridiculous amounts of blood and when they took his equipment off, he could see his bone peeking through. It was ugly, all flesh and little white bone fragments and he felt like he was watching some show. It wasn’t really him. He didn’t float above himself like some kind of ghost, instead he looked blankly at his leg and felt like it wasn’t even a part of him.

He remembered her franticly trying to get to him, all huffy and screaming ‘I’m Casey McDonald, the sister!’ And he had the presence of mind to lift up one hand, pointer finger raised to correct her. ‘Stepsister.’ She finally got close to him and looked almost offended. She got out a ‘jerk’ through her gritted teeth before the medics pushed her away.

She visited him in the hospital and gifted him this massive teddy bear that he had no idea what to do with. George flew out to see him. They didn’t talk a lot, mostly because Derek was hopped up on enough pain medication to take down an elephant, but there was also not a lot to say. He knew it was over and George didn’t seem like the type to rub salt in the wound by discussing it. It was then that he appreciated his dad’s ‘do we really need to talk about this’ attitude towards almost everything unpleasant in life.

George had to fly back for a trial so Edwin came for a few days. He had less tact than their father, asking to see the wound and recounting the drama of watching the game with his roommates. He showed him the clip that had gone viral and Derek still had trouble processing that it happened to him.

Casey was there the whole time, flittering in the background like a benevolent spirit, constantly asking if she can do anything, get him anything. She left eventually but not without guilt hanging over them both.

In the end, Derek made the call. He told them after his surgery that he was done, he wouldn’t be healed by the end of the season. Then he called his lawyer to discuss ending the contract. It wasn’t even a hard decision but when he told Casey about it, she paled, biting her lip to stop from crying.

He must have looked extra horrified because she left and didn’t come back. He heard from Nora how badly she felt about the whole thing, convinced that she put some kind of hex on him because of their fight. He told Nora to tell Casey that it didn’t matter, and this time Nora didn’t refuse to play this game of telephone, instead promised him that she would convey the message.

So it’s really kind of stupid that Casey hasn’t really spoken to him in five years, save for tense and awkward Christmases and birthdays where she refuses to stay home and refuses to be alone with him.

Who knew he would be the mature one. Well, kind of.


	7. Chapter 7

So she’s kind of seeing Noel even though she refuses to admit it. Derek corners her in the kitchen one day and asks her how her boy toy is doing. She gets all red and ducks so her hair covers her face. ‘He’s not my boy toy.’

Derek rolls his eyes. ‘Oh right, you’re just friends.’ Guys and girls can’t be friends, that’s why they have whatever… this is. Oh yeah, and a family. He reaches to the cupboard behind her, pulling a glass in an attempt to cover up the fact that he almost ran in from the living room just to pester her.

Casey looks up at him now, a challenge in her eyes. ‘And what if we were something more?’ She’s ramping up to push some serious buttons and he takes a step back. ‘I don’t see how it’s any of your business.’ She takes a step forward, not letting him get away. ‘In fact, I don’t see why you think you have any right to butt into my business when you’re…’ She’s struggling now to find the right word. ‘Nothing.’ Ouch. ‘You’re nothing to me.’

It’s clear that this isn’t about Noel, poor guy isn’t even significant enough to be the real reason for this outburst of hers. It’s about things said and done years ago that they both let fester between them until it spread like a cancer, tainting everything between them. He tried to move on, tried to pretend it didn’t matter. What was he supposed to do? Lament the what ifs, agonize over what actually happened? Not his style.

But there’s Casey, taking the first opportunity she can to lash out at him. She knows his sore spot, that little place between his ribs where she can snake a hand through and get right to his heart. He won’t let her know it though, giving her a smirk because they both know deep deep deep down that it’s not true. It’s not even a little true.

‘See, I don’t really believe that.’ He replies smugly. She looks at him for a moment, eyes flicking to his mouth before she lets out a frustrated yell and stomps out of the kitchen.

He takes it as a victory, even though his chest is sore.

 

* * *

 

Simon changed everything. He thought, stupidly, that they would get a blank slate when they went off to Queens.

So he waited for her, and it took a couple weeks but he was willing to wait.

She came barging into his room, complaining about her rowdy roommates not giving her the peace and quiet she needed to study. He looked at her skeptically because no one ever told him not to look a gift horse in the mouth. ‘So you came to my room.’ She looked at him blankly. ‘To study.’

She just nodded and looked at his desk, covered in clothes and hockey gear and at least two empty jars of peanut butter. ‘Oh my god.’ She picked up a sock and shuddered. ‘Just as bad as I thought.’

He sat on his bed and watched her start to clean. ‘Aren’t you happy I left this mess for you, I know how you love to do that.’ She turned around and narrowed her eyes at him. He lifted his hands up in a ‘I give up’ gesture but she went back to cleaning anyway.

He let her do her thing, stealing the occasional glance at her and the way that her shirt rode up sometimes, exposing a sliver of her toned stomach. He held it together for the most part, reading the latest issue of some magazine, well reading if you ignore the fact that he couldn’t get past this one page the entire night.

She dumped her textbooks on his desk once it was sufficiently clean. She told him to invest in some Lysol and she actually studied. He let her and then when she was done, she left.

But she came back. She came back most nights. Sometimes he studied with her, after a lot of convincing on her part and her admitting that the Casey Condensation method works better with two. Sometimes they watched movies, squished together on his little twin bed, her head would end up on his shoulder or chest most of the time and she would fall asleep half way through only some of the time, forcing him to turn the movie off because her snoring was so distracting.

Then one night, the night before finals started their first year, it happened. She finally finished going over her notes for intro to biology course and stretched when the light caught something on her eyes.

Derek grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to him and she let him. ‘Close your eyes.’ She looked at him like he was crazy but did it anywa. He put his finger gently on her eye lid and when his finger pulled away, it glittered N iridescent blue. She looked up at him through her lashes and it felt like the air had been sucked from the room. They’d argue over who really kissed who but really they both closed the distance between them.

He pulled her closer. She pushed him onto his bed, then planted herself on his lap. His hands were on her hips, he could feel the bone under her skin and her fingers were tangled in his hair. His hands moved up but she was wearing this ridiculous bubblegum pink velour track suit that zipped up all the way so his hands stopped halfway up to her waist. He didn’t need to say anything because she was already working the zipper and throwing it off. Then his hands moved up underneath the tank top she had on and yup, she was definitely not wearing a bra.

Then she’s made this sound, half between a sigh and a whine. If he had any presence of mind, he’d wonder how she’s so good at this, good at working the friction between them. She pulled at his shirt and he didn’t need to be told, he broke from her to take it off then promptly pressed his mouth to her neck.

She tilted her head back and he couldn’t help but leave a particularly ugly looking hickey on her neck, one that she’d sheepishly have to cover for a week. But then he got distracted by the rocking of her hips and felt like he’s fifteen again, getting to second base on the couch.

Suddenly, she got up and he mades a guttural noise. ‘Case, you’re killing me.’ Then she was at the other end of the room, pulling her jacket back on. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

‘I’m sorry.’ He didn’t acknowledge her apology, too focused on his hard on and hoping that they could get back to business after whatever crisis she was having was averted. ‘I made a mistake.’ He dropped his hand and looked at her. She had a hand over that spot on her neck. ‘We shouldn’t do this.’ Then, as if to correct herself, she added, ‘we can’t do this.’

Derek fell back onto his bed and groaned. ‘Simon.’ Her voice was quiet and he got it. His fantasy of finally being together once they got out from under burden of living together as one happy family was dashed the second Nora found out she was pregnant.

‘It’s just… it’s different now.’ She continued, not deterred by his lack of response. ‘It’s too real now.’ Yeah, there’s this flesh and blood manifestation of just how related they are and he couldn’t be mad at her. ‘I just think it would be too difficult for us to do this.’ She paused, waiting for him to respond now.

Derek waited a beat, another then finally came up with a fairly coherent response. ‘You’re right.’ He could hear her exhale and open the door. He looked up when he didn’t hear it close and realized it’s because she hadn’t left yet. ‘I think we shouldn’t see each other for a bit, to cool off.’ She looked at him like he was a math problem she couldn’t figure out. ‘Yeah, sure, Space Case.’ She almost smiled and left.

And there it was. They both had to live with it and they did, sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s simmering right under the surface so one of them has to push it down, back where it belongs.


	8. Chapter 8

She’s a ritualistic person. As long as he’s known her, she’s taken pleasure in the repetitive routine she sets up for herself. So he follows her lead.

She spends her days in her room, he can hear music sometimes when he walks by and the rapid tap of her typing on her laptop.

She finally tells Nora one day about why she’s really home, it’s a whispered confession in the kitchen that he overhears because she chooses to tell her when he’s at the sink, depositing his empty mug. Nora hugs her, pulls her close and tells her that she can stay with them as long as it takes to get back on her feet. He never gets the same invitation but no one calls him out on it, they just settle back into something quasi-familiar.

So she’s back in London, and so is he. He spends his days with Simon, he figures he can pay his rent through services in kind. The kid is pretty fun, thanks to his Venturi side, and he remembers how much he loved being adored by his younger siblings.

But at night, at night is when the ritual really begins. He’ll pick her up from the community centre where she teaches ESL classes. He’ll bring her a vanilla iced coffee, and sometimes when it’s oppressively hot she’ll spend the ride home with it pressed against her forehead or her neck.

He’ll take the long way home so that when they get back to the house, everyone’s in bed. They’ll go to the backyard where there’ll be two plastic chairs sitting there, waiting for them.

They’ll sit and smoke, sometimes they’ll talk, something they won’t.

It’s on one of the nights where they do that she blows some smoke up and watches it dissipate as she says to him, ‘I never thought I’d be here.’

He looks at her and he can barely make out her form in the dark. She’s got her knees pulled up to her chest, and her pack of cigarettes rests on top of them. ‘Neither did I.’

She looks at him, or at least he thinks she does because he can’t quite make out her face. ‘I’m writing again.’ She says it so nonchalantly, even though he knows it’s a big deal.

‘I know.’ It doesn’t come out annoyed or harsh because the subtext there is ‘I understand’. For all the shitty poems about feet and complaining about feelings, he always understood what it meant to her. He got it even though he tried his hardest to act like he didn’t.

She takes a deep breath and it’s shaky. ‘You know, after that night, I didn’t write for a whole year.’ Her voice sounds strange, like she’s on the verge of tears. ‘I couldn’t. It was like I had this block.’ He doesn’t say anything, just letting her get it all out. ‘The funny thing was, I pictured you every time I tried to sit down and write something, anything.’ She laughs and that’s quivery too. ‘You out on that ice, you in that hospital bed, in that damn cast, standing in front of me and not letting me through.’ She shakes her head. ‘Pathetic, right?’

And maybe it’s the fact that they’re in the dark and she’s confessing like she’s desperate to atone for her sins but he’s willing to give her what she needs. ‘It’s not.’ He squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his eyes with his free hand. ‘It’s not your fault, what happened that night.’ She exhales loudly, as if she’s been holding her breath for all these years. They’ve never been able to talk about it, this new elephant in the room to add to their growing herd. But he’s willing to give her this if they can’t have anything else.

They don’t speak for a moment and he can see the lit end of her cigarette light up every time she takes a drag. She picks at hem of her cut off shorts, avoiding his gaze completely. ‘Do you want to know why me and Calum broke it off?’ She doesn’t say ‘broke up’, as if the term is too immature for what they had.

He makes a sound for her to continue, afraid of trying to form words. She takes a deep breath, her eyes close for a second. ‘I wanted to have kids and he didn’t.’ She laughs a little now, as if she can see the humour in the situation now. ‘He said he wanted to keep our relationship the way it was.’ She pauses to wrap a loose thread around her finger and pull at it, ripping it off. ‘Companionship.’ She looks at him now. ‘I was his companion.’

Derek’s throat feels dry but he feels like he should say something. ‘Maybe some people aren’t meant to have kids.’ She nods then leans her head back to look at the sky.

He watches her for a moment before she straightens up, tosses her cigarette into an empty can of ginger ale and gets up to go to bed. ’Night, D.’ She presses her lips to his forehead as she walks past and he wants to reach out and grab her, but he lets her go back inside.

 

* * *

 

The whole thing feels like a loaded gun. Being a parent is Russian roulette really, never knowing whether you’re pulling a blank or the real thing.

He could remember a time, before Marti and just barely after Edwin when he realized that being a good parent wasn’t some kind of innate thing.

He was six, standing in the kitchen and his mother had a book in her hand, a pencil behind her ear and a notebook in front of her at the island. He couldn’t remember exactly what he said but she looked at him and there was this look in her eye like she couldn’t compute what he was saying. It felt like he was speaking a different language. It was a feeling that seemed to punctuate most of his memories of his mother pre-divorce.

Something would happen and she would look around like she couldn’t comprehend anything. Then Marti was born and she seemed to lose all sense of herself. She walked around the house like she couldn’t quite get her balance and forgot the simplest things.

Then they figured out what the problem was. It was the kids, although no one ever dared say that. He was eleven when they sat him and Edwin down on the couch and told them that their mother was going to be moving out. He could remember Edwin squirming beside him, asking how they were going to fit all their stuff into an apartment and him informing his younger brother that they weren’t going to go with her, stupid, before being grounded for using bad language and being rude to his brother.

The wrong factor in the equation was that his mother was never meant to be a mother. She was never meant to fit into this box that demanded of her, things she could never deliver on. So she left and everyone was happier for it.

Sure, sometimes it sucked to think about how the person who brought him into this stupid, fractured world couldn’t bother to make it to his graduations, any of them, or remember to send a birthday card from wherever she was at the moment. But he wasn’t going to wallow in self pity. He knew the score and he moved on.

That was the problem with Casey, she was always holding out for something better, for someone to become better. He knew the truth and moved on, she was firmly in denial.

And that’s what haunted her. No matter who it was, her dad, Max, Truman, Calum, she always thought there was something underneath that she could unlock if she just figured out the right things she had to do.

He had figured out that people sucked because life sucked and he might as well as do whatever he wanted while he could. She couldn’t do the same even when she wanted to, when he could see that she wanted to. But the truth was that he couldn’t move on, she kept him stuck.


	9. Chapter 9

They end up going to some dive bar with Sam, Emily and Noel one night. It almost feels like deja vu in some ways and a completely new nightmare in others. He’s awkward around Emily for about two minutes before she tells him to relax. ‘It’s been ten years, Derek.’ She smiles at him and it doesn’t have that starstruck quality anymore. ‘I think we’ve all moved on.’

Not that it matters because Casey is attached to her side. He can see Noel trying to calculate his move, trying to maneuver his way between the two girls with no success. Derek almost feels bad for the guy but he still slides into the booth after Casey when they get to the bar. Tough luck Noel the pole.

It’s almost like the years haven’t even passed. They all share stories from high school, each one beginning with ‘do you guys remember when…’ and it feels bittersweet. It feels like a million years ago and yesterday all at the same time somehow.

He’s on his second pint when they start talking about the now, about what they’ve been up to lately. He can feel Casey tense, attuned to her body language after years of practice, years of trying to figure her out. She’s rubbing at the condensation on her glass, avoiding eye contact.

Clearly she hasn’t exactly been honest with the rest of them and he throws her a bone when they all look expectantly at her, waiting for her to share stories about working at one of the most prestigious publishing companies in Canada. ‘Casey’s a regular Miranda Priestly.’ Emily looks at him like he sprouted a second head. He put his hands up in a defensive gesture. ‘Hey, we all lived through 2006.’

Casey nudges him with her knee and he finally looks at her. Her eyes are cast down and she clearly using her hair as a curtain to hide her face but he can see it. ‘Let me out.’ She mumbles to him and he slides out immediately, already going through his mental Casey Freak Out checklist. By his calculations, they’re about ten seconds away from a full blown panic attack so he keeps his mouth shut and lets her get a head start to the bathroom.

He watches her go before Noel stands up, about to go after her. ‘Maybe I should…’ He trails off, clearly confused as to what his role here exactly is but Derek knows. ‘I’ll go after her, everyone just chill.’

There’s a very irritated looking blonde girl banging on the door by the time he reaches the bathroom. ‘Hello! We live in a civilized society where people wait in line for the bathroom!’ She’s yelling through the door and he thinks it’s got to be bad if Casey bypassed regular bathroom decorum.

‘Here, let me try.’ He says to the girl who takes a step back and lets him squeeze into the little space between her and the door. ‘Case?’ She doesn’t answer but he can hear the sound of a faucet running. Promising. ‘Hey Case, let me in.’ There’s the sound of someone blowing their nose but he doesn’t hear the lock to the door click open. ‘It’s either going to be me or the bouncer.’

The threat works because she opens the door just a sliver, one blue eye peeking out at him. The blonde girl behind him lets out a sound of relief. ‘Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker.’

Casey looks surprised and Derek isn’t sure if it’s because it’s him on the other side of the door or because she just got shoved by an angry woman dressed like a disco ball. He doesn’t care, instead takes her by the arm. ‘Let’s go outside.’ She follows him, letting him drag her through the bar until they make it past the front door.

He looks at her and now she looks embarrassed, realizing that her attempt to be sneaky only made it more obvious. ‘Don’t.’ She says quietly and he feels a familiar wave of annoyance, a staple of his teenage years, come bubbling up. ‘Don’t what?’ He asks her and she turns away, takes a few steps, then turns back to him like she isn’t sure what she wants to do. ‘Oh come on, you’ve never been good at the silent treatment.’

Then she sits down on the curb. He’s shocked because he’s heard her tell him a million times how disgusting sidewalks are, so maybe this is actually a lot worse than he’s used to. She sighs heavily and then looks at him. ‘Well sit.’ She pats the pavement beside her and he does as he’s told for once in his life. ‘You’re going to love this.’ She says so quietly he’s not sure he’s supposed to hear. She covers her face with her hands and takes a couple deep breaths.

‘I screwed up my entire life.’ She tells him blankly. ‘And I just realized it in there.’ He doesn’t know what to say, no quip ready on the tip of his tongue and he thinks, shit I am so rusty. ‘I have no job, no house, no future, so many regrets.’ She pinches the bridge of her nose, as if she has a headache coming on.

‘Maybe we Freaky Friday’d somewhere.’ Derek offers as a joke but she just looks at him, a beat passes, then she breaks out into a smile despite herself. ‘Listen, if there’s anyone who can bounce back from this, it’s Space Case.’ She makes an offended face and bumps his shoulder with hers. ‘I’m serious.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘Look at it like a fresh start, you get a blank slate and you can do whatever the fuck you want.’

He’s not great at the pep talks outside of a locker room, and he’s even worse when it comes to Casey, who’s always on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but for some reason, maybe it’s the years of practice, she gets it. She wipes her face with her hands but there’s no tears. ‘Do you think we could just head home?’ She looks back at the bar. ‘I kind of don’t want to face…’ She doesn’t finish but he gets it.

So he goes back inside, finds Sam, Emily and Noel sitting in the booth, talking in hushed tones before they break it up as Derek approaches them. ‘Hey, we’re just going to head back home, Casey is really tired.’

Noel gets up. ‘I should go talk to her.’ Derek stops him, putting a hand on his shoulder and offering him probably the most sincere advice he’s ever given. ‘Listen, I don’t think you’re ready for the kind of trouble Casey is.’ Noel opens his mouth to protest but he cuts him off. ’Trust me, I would know. I’m her brother.’ That seems to shut him up and Derek waves goodbye to Emily and Sam, going out to find Casey.

She smiles when she sees him and when he pulls her close into a one armed hug, she tucks herself against him. ‘Thanks, Derek. For everything.’ He smiles and shrugs but doesn’t let her go.

 

* * *

 

If he’s being honest with himself, and he might as well be, Casey and him do become best buds. After that night during first year, they take some time before settling into something they had before.

Maybe it’s because they didn’t have any family that they became each other’s support systems but it was different than that. Casey came to all his at home games, actually taking the time to learn about hockey to the point that he debriefed with her after every game. They would go for cheap Chinese food down the street from the rink and dissect every play. He even got her to admit that maybe she could have been a little tiny bit wrong about hockey but she told him that if he didn’t get it on tape then he’d never have proof she said it.

He went with her to open mic nights around town, listening to her recite poetry. He didn’t get it most of the time, he preferred a dirty limerick to a sonnet about moons or planets or whatever she was talking about. But he would go anyway because she would buy him a drink. And it was kind of fun to do stuff with her without any pressure.

Then she was cast as Helena in the drama department’s production of A Midsummer’s Night Dream. She couldn’t shut up about it for weeks, twirling dreamily whenever she remembered, which was often.

She was begging people to run lines with her constantly. Her roommate had threatened to move out after Casey made one too many comments about her pronouncing Hermia a little too much like hernia. So he had to step up to the plate, not that he was all too thrilled about it.

She knew that she had worn him down through the years so she didn’t have to press too hard for him to give in. You get a guy to dance on national television, you can get him to do just about anything.

It was opening night. He had driven Casey to the rehearsal that morning and just ended up hanging around. Her drama professor and director was surprised to see him there but then put him to work, helping to sweep the stage and move the sets. He overhead her telling Casey how fortunate it was to have a hockey star for a boyfriend, all that braun to be put to good use. Casey never corrected her.

After he had done all the pro bono stagehand work he could handle, she sent him out to get lunch. When he got back, she was fixing her hair, curled like she used to in high school. He could remember seeing her in her room, sitting at her desk with one of those little mirrors with a curling wand in hand, knowing that he would never let her have enough time in the bathroom to do it there.

She caught his eye in the mirror and smiled. ‘How do I look?’ She asked, pushing a strand behind her ear.

He set her salad, tofu with extra pickled ginger, down on the table in front of her. ‘Like a poodle on a coke bender.’ He replied and only smiled when she turned around to smack him.

She turned back and leaned in closer to the mirror, examining her skin closely. ‘My dad is coming.’ She admitted offhandedly but he could see the nervousness in her body. ‘So you better be on your best behaviour.’

He nodded and gave her a captain’s salute. She picked up a brush and turned around to face him properly. ‘Now what did you say about my hair?’

Dennis didn’t make it under the intermission, leaving Derek twisting and turning uncomfortable all during the first act, the empty seat beside him like a ball and a chain. He saw Casey’s eyes flicker to him when she first made it on stage but she was a pro, even he could admit it, and she didn’t falter one bit even though he could sense her disappointed from ten rows away.

But he made it, running into the lobby with a bouquet of roses. Derek waved at him once he noticed him standing by the door. ‘Derek!’ He sounded a little out of breath. ‘I’m late, I know, traffic from the border was insane.’

Derek just shrugged in response. ‘Is she mad?’ He shrugged again even though he knew that hell would freeze over before Casey would ever be mad at her dad. Dennis just nodded, like he understood.

When the second act started, Casey never looked in their direction and Derek wondered if Dennis even knew, if he could read between the lines and see what was really going on.

He didn’t. Casey was ecstatic to see him after the show was over. She ran into his arms and he picked her up before setting her down. ‘Bad back.’ He smiled and she took a step back as if to get a good look at him before he handed her the roses. ‘Listen, why I don’t take you both out for a late dinner? My treat.’

Derek watched Casey, who hadn’t taken her eyes off her father. It took a couple tries before he actually made it to one of her important events, but it seemed like she had forgotten all about that. ‘I’m gonna have to pass, got early morning practice.’ Casey looked over at him and frowned. ‘Oh come on, Derek.’ She reached out to him, grabbing him by the elbow. ‘Please?’

He shook his head. She was all hopped up on excitement and adrenaline now but he didn’t want to intrude on something that she had been waiting for. ‘You have fun with your dad.’ She didn’t fight him, instead pulled him into a hug that he returned reluctantly. When she pulled away, he could see she got her stage makeup on his jacket. ‘But you might wanna do something about the clown make up.’ He gestured to his face.

‘Der- _ek_!’ Casey hissed loudly as her dad pulled her away. ‘Good night, Ronald McDonald.’ He called out to her with a smile.


	10. Chapter 10

‘I need a car.’ She says as she shuts the door behind her. Derek looks at her but she’s too busy with her seat belt to notice. ‘I can’t keep relying on you for rides everywhere.’ She adjusts her shirt and he realizes that she’s probably prepared this speech. ‘I’m a grown woman and I want to be able to come and go as I please.’

He doesn’t say anything, just begins to pull out of the parking lot. She waves to someone as they drive by then looks at him expectantly.

‘Okay?’ He’s not sure why he’s the target of this overly rehearsed routine. ‘Do you want my permission or something?’

Then she pulls out her phone and a piece of paper. ‘I’m glad you agree because I already found a car that I think would be perfect for me.’ He looks at her now and sees her smooth out the paper. ‘I need you to go to this address.’

He laughs even though he knows it’s going to irritate her. ‘It’s 10 at night and you want to buy a car?’ She shoots him a glare. ‘Okay, okay, fine.’

Casey flips her hair, proud of herself clearly. ‘Well, I told the guy that I teach night classes so I would come by late and he was fine with it.’ He’s relieved that he gave in easily since he can tell by the tone of her voice that she had a whole spiel ready to go in case he wasn’t feeling so generous.

She spends the whole drive repeating the directions that the GPS on her phone reads out and he tells her to shut up only twice, which she ignores.

They finally pull up to a residential street and she gets out, ducking her head back in to look at him. ‘Well, are you coming or what?’ She looks mildly annoyed that he hasn’t caught up to her program.

Derek exhales to stifle a laugh. ‘You want me to supervise or something?’ She looks over her shoulder at the house behind her, which is dark except for a window tinged with the blue-ish glow of a tv. He thinks he almost sees her stamp her foot.

‘Come on, we both know you’re the car guy here.’ He remembers teaching her once, her sitting on his bed all wide eyed, taking notes as he fed her total garbage, and he feels a pang of guilt. Not something he’s all too happy about but he gets out anyway. She breathes a sign of relief and shuts the passenger side door. ‘Well that and I don’t want to get murdered.’

He can’t help the laugh even though she shoots him another look, completely serious. Then she squares her shoulders, walks up to the door and knocks. It takes a moment for the man to come to the door, an older guy in a wife beater and jeans but when he does, she starts off, her mouth like a motor. ‘Hi, I’m Casey McDonald, we spoke on the phone about the car you’re selling? I’m here for the exchange. Of money. For the car. If it’s in good condition.’

The other man has a look on his face that Derek’s seen a million times, like he needs a moment to process everything that’s happened in the last few seconds. Casey has her hand stretched out and he takes it as she gives a firm handshake that makes Derek’s palm twitch.

‘Well, here it is.’ The man takes a step out, gesturing to the car in his driveway. It’s dark so it’s hard to make out the model but it’s no surprise that it’s a sensible little sedan.

Casey walks over to it and kicks the tire before pulling out a notebook from her bag and making notes. Derek can’t help but roll his eyes even though he feels his chest fill with affection. He’s become quite the sap in his adult life.

She circles the car, leaning down to examine the tail lights and making notes the whole time. She looks at him over the roof of the car and gives him a look like ‘well, what do you think’ and he shrugs. She exhales loudly, annoyed now that he isn’t taking her bait. It’s not like she exactly lets him be better than her at something often so him not jumping at the chance irritates her.

So he turns to the man, who’s scratching his head like he can’t quite figure Casey out. Join the club.

‘So what’s the mileage on this thing?’ He asks, finally being kind of helpful.

The man visibly eases up and Derek can see Casey perk up in the corner of his eye. ’73,000. It was my mother-in-law’s car so it didn’t get that much use for the last couple years.’ He must think he’s losing the sale because he’s quick to add, ‘for a ten year model, that’s not bad.’

Casey looks at him and he turns to face her, where she has a ‘translation please’ look on her face. ‘Not bad.’ She smiles and gives a little bounce. ‘Let’s take a look inside.’

The man unlocks the door and Derek gets in the driver’s seat. It’s a little cramped, he has to push the seat almost all the way back to fit and Casey’s at the window. ‘A little tight.’ He tells her and she opens the door. ‘Good thing this is my car. Now get out.’ He takes his time, and she checks her shoulder against his as she gets in, closing the door behind her and adjusting the seat, mirrors and holding onto the wheel, 10 and 2 of course, as if to visualize herself driving.

The man comes up next to him. ‘She’s something, ain’t she?’ He looks at Derek as he speaks, but he doesn’t look back, eyes on Casey as she sits up straighter and pulls the visor down. ‘Yeah, she is.’

So she buys the car, pulling out an envelope full of cash and counting it out on the hood of Derek’s car, making sure that he blocks the other man’s view just in case he gets the idea to rob them. He manages to haggle down a couple hundred bucks for a missing hubcap and then they get into their respective cars and drive home.

He doesn’t think too much about how every turn and stop he looks over, expecting to see her sitting next to him. He definitely doesn’t think about that hollow feeling he gets when he realizes she’s not there.

 

* * *

 

Her face in shadow was what he remembers most. Then he remembers the rest like this. They had dropped off Vicky and he was driving them back home. It was uncomfortable and weird because Casey wasn’t back seat driving. The ridiculous bump in her hair, the one he told her made her look like Canadian Snooki, had completed deflated and she kept pulling at her skirt, like she’d just realized how short it was.

He felt bad, genuinely. Somewhere along the line, he caught some kind of mind altering disease that made him see red whenever some guy was treating her like a jerk. Truman just happened to be the jerk flavour of the week.

The fact that she wasn’t ranting and raving about the evils of men and somehow blaming him for everything meant that this was serious. Like defcon five, batten down the hatches, serious. But he didn’t know what to say that hadn’t been already said. Besides, Emily and Lizzie would be much better at this than he would be.

But then they were at a stoplight and the car was cast in this red glow and he could see her cheek was wet, and there were these weird shadows being cast on her face and he thought, really stupidly, that this is kind of beautiful. In a cinematic way. So he didn’t think about anything else when he reached over and brushed his knuckles against her cheek. Her eyes closed at the contact but she didn’t flinch or yell at him.

Then a car honked at them and he made a split second decision. ‘You hungry? I’m really hungry.’ He pulled a right turn from the centre lane in a move that would usually earn him an extra loud Der- _ek_! and possibly car privileges being revoked for the weekend. Instead she grabbed the door handle and looked at him. ‘What,’ she hissed, a good sign was that she was in the state of mind to be mad at him, ‘are you doing?’

He squinted as he looked out the windows, trying to remember the street he was looking for. ‘We’re going for pancakes.’ He told her plainly before finding his way in the dark. She sighed, resigned to her fate but didn’t let her death grip go in fear that he’d pull an illegal u turn or something.

He saw the neon glow of the restaurant and couldn’t resist a smile as he pulled into the parking lot. Pancakes can solve all the world’s problems, even Casey sized problems.

‘Ta-da!’ He gestured through the windshield at the diner, located in a sketchy looking strip mall. She looked at him, then at the diner and then got out but not without a heavy sigh. He took this little victory though and got out after her, even opened the door for her. She looked at him skeptically. ‘No way, you’re going to push your way through at the last second. You first.’ He shrugged and stepped in, letting the door fall behind him. ‘Have it your way.’

A waitress handed them two menus as he slid into a booth near the door. Casey eyed the cracked vinyl seating apprehensively before sliding in slowly across from him. ‘Can I get you started with anything?’ The waitress asked, looking at him and he knew Casey would have something to say about it.

‘A coffee, two coffees.’ He looked at Casey who was silently fuming. ‘Lots of cream and sugar.’ Her face eased up a little at him remembering how she liked to dose her caffeine even though she raged against sugary pop. ‘Coming right up.’

Casey grabbed some napkins from the dispenser by the window and wiped down the table. ‘You would think I’m invisible.’ She muttered under her breath. There it was.

He leaned back and laughed. ‘Relax, she’s old enough to be my mom. And she wasn’t flirting.’ She shrugged, furiously rubbing at an especially sticky spot. ‘Besides, she probably thinks…’ He didn’t want to finish that sentence but she got it anyway.

They were there, together, it was late on a Saturday night. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone just assumed. He could see a flush against her neck and he resisted the urge to press his cold hand against her warm skin.

Casey cleared her throat, and crumpled up the napkin, giving up on the table. She picked up the menu gingerly, with her fingertips on the edges. ‘How did you even find this health violation anyway?’

An obvious ploy to change the subject but he gladly took it. ‘Me and Dad would stop by here on our way home after my hockey games.’ She looked up at him from behind the menu, blue eyes peering at him.

He looked away. ‘Now, pick something before I do.’ He looked around for the waitress. ‘I’m starving.’

He ended up ordering for her anyway because she couldn’t decide between blueberry pancakes or the egg white omelette, so he got her the pancake sampler. She got mad but let him pick off her plate the entire time. They talked about music, she went on and on about a play she was reading, he tried to explain the nuances of hockey.

It was kind of nice. That party and that kiss seem to fade into the background. It was just them in this shitty little diner and nothing else. She got some chocolate on her tooth that makes her look like she was missing an incisor, and he laughed but when he told her, she laughed too.

Then when they were leaving, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, into that one armed hug that wasn't really a hug so it didn’t break his rule. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes and her mascara was a little smudged and she rubbed her lipgloss off ages ago so her lips were pink and plump and he thought this is the moment that he should kiss her. It’s what the moment demanded.

But then he remembered he’s Derek and she’s Casey and dropped his arm from her, almost racing to get into the car. ‘Get in slow poke.’ His voice cracked and he felt like he might throw up on the upholstery, her tears were gonna be the least of his worries. She took her time getting in, just to spite him. ‘Don’t be rude.’ And then they were back on solid ground.

She didn’t say anything about his knuckle white grip on the steering wheel. She was probably happy that he kept his hands at 10 and 2 perfectly. He didn’t look at her, didn’t think about how the streetlights once they got into London were orange-y and make her hair look like it was on fire. She didn’t say anything about how he bounded up the stairs once they get home and he didn’t say anything about what he heard her say to Nora.

 

He’s not so bad of a guy.


	11. Chapter 11

‘I’m taking you skating.’ Derek announces to Simon as he comes down the stairs for breakfast.

Simon looks up from his bowl of cereal. ‘It’s the middle of summer.’

Derek looks almost offended ‘It’s the perfect time to get on the rink.’

Simon shrugs in agreement. ‘Sure.’ The lack of enthusiasm seems to register negatively with George who looks up from the paper. ‘Oh come on Si, aren’t you excited to get on the ice with your NHL big brother?’

Derek winces. ‘Ex NHL.’ He grabs an apple from the bowl on the table and goes into the kitchen.

‘I’m just more into soccer right now.’ Simon explains, causing Derek to pop back in.

‘Has Lizzie been here?’ He looks around suspiciously, earning a laugh from his little brother.

‘Hey Casey, do you want to come skating with me and Derek?’ The invitation wasn’t meant to be extended but Simon has a mind of his own. Casey looks cheerful as she almost bounces down the stairs. ‘Skating in the middle of summer? You okay little guy?’ She asks, ruffling his hair as she walks past him into the kitchen.

Simon watches her and nods. ‘Derek says it’s the perfect time to skate.’

Casey makes a face of mock surprise. ‘This is Derek’s idea. Well, then I guess I have to come with.’

Derek narrows his eyes at her as she opens the fridge to get the milk. ‘Do you even have skates?’ She pours some into her mug then pours in the coffee, a move that drives him crazy for some reason. ‘I can borrow my mom’s.’ She answers and he figures he might as well let it happen.

So he drives them to the rink after breakfast. It feels almost more like coming home than actually coming home. It’s mostly empty, most kids are at the community swimming pool for the summer.The boards have been replaced, they’re a little less beaten up but it still smells like ice and B.O. It’s bad enough to make Casey gag as they walk in. He takes a deep breath. ‘Ah yes, no better scent.’

‘You’re disgusting.’ She comments as she brushes past him. Simon follows her and they sit on a bench as she helps lace up his skates.

But it’s really when they get on the ice that he feels, well, something. It’s like a switch is flipped and he’s off, skating laps around the rink with ease. There’s a dull pain in his knee when he takes a turn too hard but he pushes past it, reliving his glory days.

Simon watches him in awe and he can’t help but feel proud. Maybe he’s not NHL worthy anymore but he’s still impressive to a kid who doesn’t know better. ‘You have got to teach me.’ He yells at Derek as he whizzes past, Casey hand firmly on his shoulder as if he might fall over any second.

So he does what a good big brother does and teaches him. He’s a faster learner than Lizzie, but he’ll never tell her that. ‘You’re good enough to carry on the Venturi name.’ He tells him as he ruffles his hair. Simon smiles up at him. ‘You really think so?’ Derek nods seriously. ‘I gotta pull out my old hockey gear now that I have a worthy successor.’

Casey skates up beside them, going around them in a tight circle and he’s not sure where she learned to skate like that. ‘I don’t think anyone wants you to become a mini-Derek.’ She tells Simon seriously. ‘Not the best role model.’

‘Hey!’ He has the decency to be insulted, kind of. ‘Better to be like me than a super keener.’

She smiles and starts to skate away before he takes off after her. She’s laughing and the sound is bouncing around and it makes him skate faster. He catches her by the waist and lifts her up, just a little but enough to make her go ‘Der-ek!’

His cold fingers are on her skin, right where her shirt has ridden up and he presses his cold nose to her warm neck, causing her to yell and squirm in his grasp. ‘Let me go!’ So he does and she falls, looking up at him with a fiery gaze before she reaches over, hooking her hand behind his calf and pulling, sending him to the ground beside her. He looks at her for a minute and she seems to think that he's going to reliate right then and there. Instead he bursts out laughing, and then she's laughing too.

Simon skates up to them, shaking his head. ‘I don’t want to be like either of you.’

Casey looks at Derek and he shrugs. ‘That’s probably a good call.’

  


* * *

There was a girl. In Minnesota. If Casey had decided that there was no chance for them, and this was him being incredibly painfully honest with himself, then he had to move on.

So he did.

Her name was Rebecca. She was fun, knew about as much about hockey as he did and didn’t care that he never got her a Valentine’s Day present. She had a mane of thick curly dark hair and always smiled wide and earnest.

They met at a press conference, she was there with a local paper and she asked him how it felt to be the only player to be drafted from a Canadian school and he smiled at her in that way that got him on the front page of the sports section, asking her what exactly she was implying there.

She asked him out for drinks later and it was kind of like in the movies. Everything was easy. She went to all his games and even though her editor pressed her for a more personal angle with her coverage of the Wilds, she refused and he respected that.

She moved in with him after a couple months and even though he was travelling a lot, she didn’t mind or make him feel guilty about it. She taped all his games and bought him a recliner that rivaled the one at home.

He hung out with her family and they took him in as if he was a long lost son. She had a stepfamily, her mother died years ago and her dad remarried, adding stepsiblings to the mix. So he didn't talk about his family and no one pressed but when Casey called, he told her about Rebecca. Told her about how they were thinking about buying a cabin up in the North Woods and how she was a writer too, really good by his judgement. He didn’t dwell on how Casey’s replies came short and clipped, her voice tight when she told him how happy she was for him, that she would like to meet her one day.

But they didn’t meet. Not until his last time in Vancouver. Rebecca wasn’t there and it took her almost a week to get there, being on a family trip in the middle of nowhere with no cell service, but his coach told him that she was downright hysterical when he finally got through to her.

She ran into his hospital room, breathless with the most panicked look on her face, flinging herself onto his bed and wrapping her arms around his neck. ‘Oh my god Derek, what happened?’ She asked, putting her hand on his cheek and examining him. Casey was sitting next to his bed and she cleared her throat awkwardly.

Rebecca looked up at her and Derek knew the jig was up when her face changed from concerned to confused. ‘Who is this?’ He looked at Casey and his stomach clenched when he saw a look of hurt flicker across her face when she realized that she had no clue who she was, that Derek never told Rebecca about her.

Derek tried to sit up, thinking that he rather be dead than have this conversation. ‘This is Casey, my stepsister.’ He didn’t look at either of them as Rebecca took a second to process the information and then reached across the to take Casey’s hand. ‘Oh, I didn’t know Derek had a stepsister. Nice to meet you. Or as nice as it can be considering the circumstances.’ Casey took her hand carefully but not before she glared at Derek, rather pointedly and he wished the bed would swallow him whole.

But Casey recovered in record time, for her at least, and gave a smile. ‘He likes to pretend I don’t exist unfortunately. But it’s really nice to meet you, Derek’s told me all about you.’

Rebecca looked at Derek and he shrugged, praying for this living nightmare to be over. ‘Only nice things I hope.’ She put her hand on his shoulder and it felt like a heavy weight.

Casey was smiling that weird tight smile she had when she was on the verge of some emotional breakdown or other and clapped her hands as if she had just come up with a perfect plan. ‘Well, I guess Derek, you don’t need me anymore.’ She didn’t look at him as she said this, instead staring at a spot just above his head. ‘I’ll get going.’ She collected her coat and bag. ‘Rebecca, it was so nice to meet you.’ She walked to the door and turned around, as if she forgot to mention one thing but all she did was look at Derek, with her eyes watery as if on the edge of tears and he felt a wave of anger overtake him.

She was upset, and for what? She had moved on and so had he, he was entitled to a little happiness too. Did she expect him to stay alone forever, pathetically pining over her like some lame protagonist in those novels she loved so much? No way.

So she didn’t say anything and left. He just stared at the door until he felt Rebecca’s eyes on him. ‘What was that?’ She asked, thoroughly confused.

‘What was what?’ His voice was a little too angry and she frowned. ‘Whatever that was.’ She gestured vaguely. ‘I mean, I get that you didn’t mention her when there’s so much tension between you but whatever bad blood there is, it can’t be so bad.’ She looked at the door as if Casey was still standing there, so she could study her. ‘She clearly cares about you enough to come to the hospital.’ She looked back at Derek and his throat was suddenly dry.

Rebecca took his hand, squeezing gently. ‘I know siblings can be a pain but she seems like a pretty good sister to me.’ He let go of a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. ‘Yeah, she’s pretty alright.’

Maybe it was in the hospital that night that he decided to move back to Canada. But he knew that it was then that he decided that him and Rebecca weren’t going to work out.


	12. Chapter 12

Marti gets into McGill and decides that she wants to start the move early. She and her friends have found a shitty little place in the student ghetto but she’s 17 so everything that pops into her head is a great idea.

George is swamped with client meetings all week, Simon has a cold which Nora claims is thanks to going skating in the summer but their excuses fall on deaf ears because Derek and Marti have already decided they’re going to make the seven hour drive on their own.

‘Oh no.’ George shakes his head when he hears this plan. ‘The two of you? That’s trouble asking to happen.’

Marti pouts, clearly offended at the idea that she can’t be trusted. Derek, on the other hand, she can understand. ‘What if Casey came with?’ She offers.

Casey’s head pops up from the couch, where she was reading. ‘Hey, what if I’m busy?’

Marti scoffs. ‘Come on, Casey. We all know you aren’t that busy.’

Now it’s Casey’s turn to pout. Derek clears his throat and they turn to look at him. ‘That might not be a bad idea.’ He looks at Casey who looks back at him but her expression is unreadable. ‘I can’t do the drive alone and no way is Marti driving.’

Marti smacks his shoulder. ‘Rude.’ He makes a face at her and she makes one back.

George sighs. ‘This is what I’m talking about.’ Then he turns to Casey, who’s gotten up from the couch and is adjusting her shirt. ‘Casey, could you maybe help us out here?’ He’s pleading but Derek knows that she’s going to agree.

‘Okay, fine.’ She turns to Derek and points her finger at him threateningly. ‘But I play DJ.’ Derek opens his mouth to say something but she cuts him off before he can say anything. ‘There and back.’ He shuts his mouth and rolls his eyes but she wins.

He regrets it about five minutes into the drive when she’s playing show tunes and Marti, who’s wedged between them in the front of the U-Haul, is singing mildly offkey. ‘Please, I’m begging you!’ He tries to yell over their singing but Marti just turns up the volume.

Casey is dancing in her seat and they’re both serenading each other. He thinks all his delinquent teen behaviour is catching up to him now because he’s in hell.

It takes another three hours before they tired themselves out and another fifteen minutes after that for Marti to start whining that she’s hungry.

They stop at a gas station. Marti shoos Casey out of the way, darting out of the truck and yelling a list of things she expects Derek to buy her.

Casey and him exchange a look, the patented Marti look. ‘Did you get all that?’ She asks and he shrugs. He figures she’s at their mercy but he also knows his sister well enough to get ketchup chips.

They’re standing in line, Casey holding a water of course and a bag of almonds. She eyes his arm full of junk food. ‘Hey, no judging.’ He narrows his eyes at her and she takes a step back. ‘Judging, never.’ He nods. ‘Good, because I have the trump card.’ She looks at him a little confused. ‘Little miss smoke a pack a day.’

She rolls her eyes. ‘Oh come on, we’re all adults here.’ She says with a smile and it’s crazy how much she looks the same. So many years and she looks exactly how he remembers her.

‘Isn’t it crazy.’ He says, suddenly feeling the need to keep his eyes forward. ‘That we’re here. Adults.’

‘Hmm.’ She agrees, looking forward too now. ‘It’s weird to think in a couple years we’ll have lived together longer than not.’ Her voice is light but he can tell it’s that artificial lightness that she got better at as she got older but not good enough for him not to notice. ‘Do you think we would have met if our parents didn’t get together?’ She’s looking at him now and he feels like her gaze is heavy.

He almost turns away but doesn’t want to give himself away like that. ‘I hope not.’ It’s a joke, something meant to poke fun at how they never get along but she doesn’t laugh and neither does he.

She turns back to look at the cashier, craning her neck to see what the hold up is. ‘You’re probably right.’ She mumbles, to herself or not he’s not sure.

‘Hey!’ Marti bounces up to them, immediately zoning in on the snacks Derek has in his arms. ‘Can you take this?’ Casey asks as she hands her stuff off to Marti. ‘I need a breather.’ She walks out of the gas station as Marti watches her go.

She turns to Derek. ‘What did you do?’ She asks accusingly.

‘What? Why is it always me?’ He answers but Marti is shoving Casey’s stuff into his arms and rushing outside. ‘Hey! Maybe she’s done something to me! Did you ever think about that!’ He calls out to her but she’s already out the door. He ignores the looks he gets.

Whatever energy there was before their pitstop seems to be sucked out of the air. He thinks the silence is almost worse.

Casey drives the rest of the way, insisting that Derek’s shitty French is going to get them lost and he lets her.

Once they hit Montreal, Marti perks up and starts to point out all the places she’s going to visit. She talks about the bistros she’s going to have breakfast at, the parks that she’ll spend Sunday afternoons at, the cafes where she’ll go to study. Derek feels a weird pang in his chest, bittersweet. She’s about to embark on the best years of her life.

They finally pull up to a rundown house with a red door. ‘This is it!’ Marti points out and practically yells. ‘Isn’t it great?’

Casey forces out a smile. ‘It’s… something.’ Marti huffs, as if she doesn’t know anything and Derek thinks she might be right.

It’s a basement apartment, dingy enough for Derek to notice and Marti seems completely in love. None of her roommates have moved in yet so she claims the only real bedroom. She’s a real Venturi.

It’s dark by the time they’ve unpacked the last of her things. Marti mostly directs Derek while Casey is furiously unpacking and organizing inside. By the end, the three are lying on her bare mattress, completely exhausted.

Marti sighs. ‘I’m calling it a night. The first night of the rest of my life.’ She lifts her fist into the air in excitement before dropping it back down, too tired to properly fist pump. ‘Derek, take the couch.’ She hasn’t changed much either.

Derek sits up. ‘Hey, I’m the one who moved all the heavy stuff. I should get the bed.’ Marti gives him a look that only rivals his mother’s in striking fear in his heart. ‘This is my bed, Casey can stay but you gotta go.’

He grumbles but gets up and somehow makes it to the couch, collapsing and kicking off his shoes. He can hear Marti and Casey giggle over something before he hears Marti call out, ‘okay lights out!’

It’s the middle of the night when he hears someone come out of the bedroom. He tucks his phone that’s illuminating the room under him, suddenly feeling like he might get in trouble for checking baseball stats in the middle of the night.

‘Derek?’ It’s Casey. He can hear her hand against the wall and then there’s a thud. ‘Fuck.’ He takes out his phone and shines it in her general direction.

She makes her way to him in the dim glow and sits down on the floor, right by the couch so they’re eye level. ‘Did I wake you?’ She asks. He locks his phone, plunging them back into darkness except for the streetlight that’s streaming through the one window in the whole apartment.

‘No. Couldn’t sleep, too tired.’ Casey nods. ‘Yeah, I couldn’t sleep either.’ She rests her arms on the cushion, propping up her face on her hands.

They look at each other for a moment and he thinks that she’s scared, eyes all wide but he’s not sure because the shadows on her face make it difficult to tell.

He presses a finger tip to the middle of her forehead and she closes her eyes. He slowly traces down, over the bump on her nose, down her lips and on her chin. She sighs, eyes still closed. ‘I love you.’ She tells him and he drops his hand, resting on her shoulder. ‘I know.’ He responds and she presses her cheek against his hand. ‘You’re so rude.’ She says but there’s no anger in her voice, just relief.

‘I love you.’ He tells her and she finally opens her eyes to look at him. She wraps her fingers around his wrist, lifting his hand off her shoulder and holding it between her hands. ‘I really screwed up.’ She whispers now. ‘Can we start over?’

He moves to sit, with her between his knees on the floor. ‘No but we can start.’ Then she leans up and kisses him and he kisses her back.

They wake up to Marti standing over them, a look of disgust on her face. ‘You guys are so gross.’ She’s shaking her head. ’Like how cute can you be.’ Casey looks at him and then at Marti and smiles. She holds up a paper bag. ‘I got bagels for you losers.’ She turns around to go into the kitchen. ‘By the way,’ she says as she pops her out of the room. ‘Took you two long enough.’

They have breakfast, holding hands under the table before Marti calls them out for being pathetic saps but she hugs them super tight before they get back into the truck.

They’re in the middle of trying to figure out what the lyrics were to that song they did for the battle of the bands when Casey suddenly goes quiet. ‘I need you to take the off ramp.’ He looks at the sign, it’s for Toronto.

‘Um, why?’ He asks but switches lanes anyway. There’s something weird and serious to her voice. ‘I need to do something.’ She replies cryptically. He doesn’t press her, feeling like maybe he doesn’t want to know.

She’s quiet the entire drive into the city, only speaking to direct him to a building downtown. It’s a brownstone with a plaque by the door, University of Toronto property. Casey gets out of the truck and turns around to look at him. ‘I’ll call you to pick me up.’ He doesn’t say anything but neither does she, just goes up the steps to the front door. He watches her go in and notices a sign pasted on the door.

‘U of T Department of English presents Calum McCullough’.

He feels like he’s just been punched in the gut. Everything was going okay, or at least it was going. But it was really like every other time, Casey getting scared and pumping the brakes. He thinks back to the past few hours and comes up with nothing.

He drives around for a bit, calls Edwin just to hear another voice, lets him talk about his dumb boss at work. There’s a moment, a pause before Edwin has to get off the phone where he knows something’s wrong if Derek’s calling him just to chat. ‘You okay bro?’ He asks and it’s with a level of sincerity that Derek can’t remember since everyone thought he was moving to Spain that he breaks down. Well as much as he can.

‘It’s Casey.’ He admits and Edwin sucks in a breath, as if he’s been knocked over.

‘Really hoping that ship had sailed honestly.’ Derek doesn’t know what to make of his response. ‘I mean, we all figured you two would work it out and then the accident happened and I figured you two had just decided to let that go.’ This is why Edwin could never follow Derek up, he’s too easily genuine, too quick to show his cards.

Derek sighs. ‘I don’t know.’ Edwin doesn’t respond to this, instead there’s silence for a moment. ‘Listen, I gotta get out of the city. We’ll grab a beer or something when I’m back in town.’

Edwin agrees and they hang up. Derek texts Casey, telling her there’s a train to London from Union station at 8:15 that she can make and then he drives home, feeling the weight of those 13 years on his shoulders.

 

* * *

 

Casey brought Calum to visit them exactly once. It was a surprise, she hadn’t mentioned bringing him and when she walked through the door, she had been alone.

Everyone had crowded around her, pulling her into a hug. Derek resisted, staying on his recliner so he was the one who saw Calum come in first. ‘Hey Casey, I found a place down the street.’ He told her as he walked in without any kind of awkwardness that Derek had gotten used to when it came to Casey’s boyfriends visiting the family.

Everyone turned to look at him. He didn’t look like any boyfriends Casey had had before. He looked old but that’s what he was. Everyone seemed to hold their breath for a moment, all eyes on this stranger.

Then Casey took his side, almost wrapping herself around him protectively. ‘Everyone, this is Calum.’ No one made any move.

Nora was the first one to snap out of it. ‘Welcome, Calum.’ She looked over her shoulder at the mess on the dining table. ‘You’ll have to excuse the mess, we weren’t expecting guests.’ She looked back at him and Derek could see her shoulders tense from his spot behind her. George instinctively put an arm around her, pulling her closer and Nora seemed to ease up.

‘Why don’t you come in. Did you leave your bags in the car?’ George asked, in an obvious attempt to cut the awkwardness.

Casey immediately seemed nervous, looking up at Calum. ‘Oh well, we thought with so many people in the house it would be better if we just stayed at a hotel.’

Derek thought that didn’t quite seem like Casey’s idea. ‘It’s really just one extra person.’ He commented and everyone turned to look at him, as if they forgot he was there. ‘Not sure what the fuss is about.’ George shot him a look to cut it out, now was not the time to antagonize Casey.

It was too late, she was on the offence. ‘I thought you’d want me out of the house so you could properly enjoy Derekus.’ Her voice had an edge to it and he couldn’t help but smile. She was so easy to rile up after all this time.

’Derekus?’ Calum asked, clearly confused.

‘Long story.’ Derek didn’t even bother to look at him when he replied, too busy staring Casey down who was up for the challenge.

Nora stepped between them, hoping to diffuse the situation and not give off the worst first impression. ‘Okay, well. Casey, why don’t you help out in the kitchen.’ It was a command more than a question and she didn’t bother to wait for her to answer before taking her arm and dragging her away.

Derek watched her go and settled back down into his recliner. If Casey thought she and Calum were going to get a warm welcome, she really was a space case.

Lizzie shot him a look before she glanced at Edwin, seemed like the whole family was on the same page.

George didn’t seem to get the memo. ‘Calum, we were about to watch the game, why don’t you join us?’ He clapped him on the back, guiding him to the couch.

Derek watched him carefully, trying to figure out what exactly Casey saw in this guy. Nothing special.

‘Oh hockey.’ He commented as they turned the tv back on. ‘I can’t say I’m much for the sport.’

Derek sat up, feeling all his muscles tense. George didn’t seem to notice. ‘Really? Well, Derek here, he plays for the Wilds.’ Calum gave him a blank look.

‘Minnesota.’ Derek commented. He felt that familiar guilt crawl back into his stomach every time he came back to London, leaving Rebecca at home. But he pushed that feeling down now, knowing that bringing her would only have made it worse. Even if he was desperate to show Casey how much he’d moved on.

Calum shrugged as if it was all gibberish to him. ‘I don’t follow any sports, much too brutish.’ Derek rolled his eyes but no one noticed. ‘I find that there are much better pursuits that contribute more to the world.’

Derek opened his mouth to respond before Nora cut him off, letting them know that dinner was ready.

Which was awkward. Casey spent the whole time avoiding everyone’s gaze. Lizzie was either quizzing Calum on things she knew Casey liked or exchanging meaningful glances with Edwin from across the table. Derek did everyone a favour and shut up, but no one commented on it, better not to speak of the devil.

After a tense dinner where they learned that Calum thought Casey’s favourite poet was Byron when it was actually Percy Shelley, they left without much of a goodbye, off to their hotel room to spend the night critiquing her family from top to bottom or something.

Everyone seemed to breath a sigh of relief as they watched their rental car go down the street from the living room window.

‘I have one thing to say.’ Marti announced once the tail lights had disappeared into the distance. ‘What a creep.’

Casey showed up for breakfast. Alone.

Nora pretended to act disappointed. ‘Oh honey, is Calum feeling alright?’ She had her hand on Casey’s arm in a comforting gesture but her voice was a little too light and breezy to be concerned.

Casey shrugged off her jacket, making her way to the kitchen in a way Derek knew she thought was nonchalant but she moved her shoulders a little too much with every step to be unaffected. ‘He didn’t get a chance to really rest after the flight.’ She grabbed some plates from the cabinet and went to set the table. ‘It’s not a big deal.’

Derek tried not to laugh but she caught him anyway and glared at him. ‘Where’s Rebecca anyway?’ She asked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Game, set, match.

‘She’s with her family.’ He was the better liar so his voice came off unbothered in a way more natural way than hers. ‘Figured I’d save her from the craziness here for another year.’

Casey set the table without a response and he felt like maybe he had won this round.

And it felt like a win. Without Calum there, the family fell into their natural rhythm. It felt like old times.

Then Casey had to break the spell.

He was getting another cup of coffee and she was putting her dishes in the sink when she asked him. ‘Am I ever going to get to meet her?’

He frowned, confused. ‘What?’ She turned to him, a completely serious expression on her face. ‘Rebecca.’

He wanted to take a step back but his back was already against the island, the counter digging into his back. ‘Um, maybe.’

Casey looked down at her hands, fingers all tangled together as she fidgeted. ‘It’s just…’ She took a deep breath. ‘It sounds like you really care about her.’ He knew what she really meant and his throat went dry. ‘I just want to know what she’s like.’ She finally looked at him. ‘If she makes you happy.’

He took a sip of his coffee, trying to seem casual even though here she was, bringing this dark cloud into the room like she had a million times before. ‘She makes me happy.’ He told her even though his voice cracked.

Casey exhaled and let her shoulder slump. ‘I want you to be happy.’ She told him and it was so sincere it hurt to hear. ‘I need you to be happy.’

Derek looked at her for a moment, searching her face as if it would give him the answer. ‘I am happy.’ He paused, wanting to make sure he got this right. ‘Are you happy?’

Casey looked away, stepping back towards the sink to wash her dishes. She didn’t answer him because she didn’t have to. They both knew she couldn’t pull off a lie like that.


	13. Chapter 13

George picks him up from the rental place and Derek knows he must look pretty bad because George doesn’t question why Casey isn’t with him. Nora doesn’t say anything either when he goes straight to his room once they get home.

Casey comes back the next day. He doesn’t want to think about where she spent the night.

She tries to talk to him, but he shuts her out, literally holing up in his room as he tries to process what happened. A day passes and he decides this farce of a summer needs to end. He’s going to pretend like nothing happened because nothing did, nothing ever can.

Then Edwin comes up from Toronto that day. Marti seems to sense something and comes back that afternoon, explaining that the apartment is creepy when it’s just her but Derek thinks Edwin gave her a heads up.

But he doesn’t see it coming. It’s not that Edwin and Casey don’t have a relationship but for some reason the idea that she might have gone to him for some help is what seems to set his universe off kilter. But the second he gets through the front door, Casey has a grip on his arm and pulls him up stairs, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise.

It’s only when it’s time for dinner that they make their way down and Derek pretends like he didn’t notice, or that he doesn’t care.

Casey is smiling, barely able to contain herself but she sits quietly at the table, across from him and it feels almost right but Simon’s sitting where Lizzie usually sits because she’s in Brazil saving the rainforest so she can’t quite make it to dinner.

The smile must be infectious because George is grinning like a madman. ‘Man, it’s nice to have the whole family back together.’ Nora shots him a look that could kill. ‘Of course, we’re missing Lizzie a lot.’

Casey pokes at her vegetables. ‘I talked to Lizzie last night, she told me she’s coming back up soon.’ She doesn’t look up from her plate, clearly trying to contain herself.

Now it’s Nora’s turn to smile. ‘Oh, that’s so great. We all miss her and it would be nice to have everyone under the same roof for old time’s sake.’ She says rather pointedly at George who ducks his head down in shame.

Then she turns to Edwin. ‘So what brings you back home so suddenly?’ Then she realizes how it comes out. ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that.’ George eases up now that she’s made her own mistake.

Edwin shrugs and Derek shoots a look at him but the kid’s like teflon now. ‘Just some business I had to work out.’

Derek rolls his eyes. ‘Okay, just spit it out.’

‘My play is being produced!’ Casey claps a hand over her mouth, surprised at her own outburst. Everyone looks at her and she smiles shyly this time. ‘I, um, wrote a play and Edwin passed it along to his contact at this theatre in Toronto and they want to stage it.’

All their eyes shift to Edwin who looks pleased with himself. ‘What can I say? I got friends in high places.’ He smiles at Casey, who beams back. ‘It helps to have a stand up comic for a brother.’

Marti makes a face. ‘Taking one class at Second City does not make you a comedian, Edwin.’ She says before shoveling a forkful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.

Casey shakes her head. ‘I couldn’t have done it without Edwin, really.’ Edwin puts out his fist in response and they pound it.

‘Sweetie, that’s so great. We all couldn’t be more thrilled.’ Nora puts a hand on Casey’s arm and squeezes. Derek feels like he’s lived through this one before and realizes that it’s time he went home. His actual home. But he has the decency not to say anything at dinner, letting Casey bask in the glow of her success.

It’s only after dinner, when he’s packing up his things that he says anything. She’s hovering in the doorway, looking kind of nervous and he has no idea why. ‘What are you a vampire who needs an invitation?’ He says over his shoulder as he dumps a pile of his clothes into his suitcase. He knows she’s edgy because of him but it’s easier to just blame her.

She takes a step toward him, hands clasped in front of her like she’s afraid they have a mind of their own. ‘You’re leaving?’ He grunts in response and she nods as she sits on the edge of the bed. ‘Oh.’ He doesn’t say anything because there’s nothing to say. He’s already spent enough time sucked into this weird time vortex and he doesn’t feel like wasting any more of his life.

‘I’m going to have to move for Toronto for a bit, for the play.’ She keeps her eyes on the floor. ‘But I think that’s good, I think I want to stay here. For real. Forever.’

He doesn’t get it but he never claimed to understand her. Maybe once upon a time he knew her better than anyone else did but that never meant he had her entirely figured out.

She looks up at him now and he’s compelled to look back. ‘Do you think I could come visit you? In Kitchener?’ He takes a deep breath and she takes as a sign to continue. ‘I just want to see what your life is like now.’

He zips up his suitcase. ‘Okay.’ His voice sounds like it’s coming from somewhere outside. ‘Some day.’ She nods, face serious.

She looks back at the door, considering leaving but stays. ‘I just needed to talk to him, one last time.’ She tells him.

Derek doesn’t respond but he’s out of clothes to pack so he pulls out drawers, looking through them for something to do.

Casey takes his silence as a sign to continue. ‘He told me that he knew there was someone else, that there was a part of me that was always somewhere else, with someone else.’ He can’t look at her, can’t see her face but she comes up behind him, resting her forehead between his shoulder blades. ‘He was right.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘It was always you, you have to believe that.’

He takes a minute then nods. ‘Okay, Casey. Okay.’ She takes a step back, away from him and walks out and he feels like he can finally exhale.

He leaves the next morning.

 

* * *

 

Their fight, the one that led to the end of everything, it was kind of ridiculous. He knows this. He knew it when he was in the moment but he was just drunk on frustration and rage and disappointment that he couldn’t even help himself, he had to keep pushing until she was hurting like he was.

The visit started fairly normal. She took him to get some coffee, commenting on how much he’s grown since she last saw him like some old aunt and he teased her about her hair, which was dark brown now.

She took him back to her apartment, apologizing for the mess because she was going to be moving in a couple days. He was almost pleased at how messy everything was and she could see it on his face, telling him to shut up even though he hadn’t said anything.

He picked through various knickknacks on her desk as she tried to find the box where she had packed her kettle. There were at least five copies of the same books, dark green with a painting of a tree on the cover. He picked one up and turned it over, finding a picture of an older man on the back. He had a beard, grey hair and an angled face. He looked entirely too serious. He flipped back around and realized whose book it was.

‘It’s Calum’s new collection.’ Casey commented from her spot at a box behind him. Calum McCullough, what a name. Calum and Casey. How sweet. He opened it to the dedication page. To Cassandra.

Derek turned to look at her. ‘Does he know that Casey isn’t short for anything?’ She didn’t answer, but he could see the tension in her shoulders. Okay, not a good time for jokes.

He flipped through it, mostly lame poetry about oceans and trees before he stopped. This was familiar. It was a poem he’d read before. Which was impossible because he didn’t read poetry as a general rule. Then it dawned on him.

He turned around, made his way over to Casey and shoved the book toward her face. ‘This is your poem.’ She looked up at him but didn’t straighten up. She pushed his hand away from her. ‘I remember this. You wrote this.’

He remembered her sitting at his desk at Queens then standing up as if she had a eureka moment, then reading him this exact poem. He remembered it being some flowery crap about the pain of being a woman and him calling her Betty Friedan and her being shocked he even knew who that was before realizing he had taken that Intro to Women Studies course to piss her off. He remembered it like it was yesterday.

He gestured at the book and she carefully stood up. ‘Yes, I let him have it.’ She told him quietly and calmly.

He threw his hands up in shock. ‘I’m sorry, what? You let him have it?’

Now she couldn’t meet his eye. ‘What happened to the Casey who didn’t let me get away with copying off her math test?’ She crossed her arms, usually a sign that a conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere but he was on a roll. ‘You’re going to let some creep steal your work? Just because you think he could be the one?’ She turned away from him. ‘I shouldn’t be surprised though. Typical Casey to just lie down and let anyone walk over her.’ He could feel his body tense as his rage built at her passivity. ‘You did it with Max, you did it with Truman, hell, you even do it with your dad.’

He hit the right nerve because she turned around. ‘Don’t.’ She said it quietly and it felt like a threat. But he'd never known when to back down.

‘Casey, you’re better than this.’ She looked right at him, taking a step closer. ‘How do you know that?’ He doesn’t miss a beat. ‘Because I know you. And you know me.’ He took a step, getting right into her space like he had a million times before. ‘Better than anyone.’

She was searching for something to say to him, eyes focused on him but nothing was coming out. So she shoved him. He almost fell back but caught him at the last second so she shoved him away. ‘Get out!’ She screamed. ‘Get out, get out, get out!’ She kept screaming so he left.

The next time he saw her, he was on a stretcher and her face was streaked with tears.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is! thank you so much for all the lovely feedback, it's been a fun ride

They text, email, connect digitally. He’s too tired to fight her and she seems almost desperate for them to get back to whatever they had before.

It’s actually kind of nice. He finds himself reaching for his phone every now and then, hoping that he’s gotten a message from her. She sends him updates about how the play is going, with the occasional Edwin story.

He gets busy with school starting again. It’s a nice distraction, enough to make him almost forget. But it’s really always there, humming in the background, waiting for him to have a moment to himself to remember how much it hurt to have Casey jerk him around one last time.

It’s the second week of school when he gets a text from Jennifer. ‘You free Friday night?’ It comes just as he’s getting into his car, ready to drive home after badminton practice.

He unlocks his phone once he’s inside and scrolls through his recent calls list but skips over her name and pauses at Marti. He doesn’t stop to think, just taps and puts the phone up to his ear.

‘Hey Derek.’ Marti answers on the second ring. He can hear people laughing in the background and closes his eyes, wondering if he’s going to regret calling her. ‘I have like… two minutes so make it snappy.’

He takes a deep breath. ‘Can’t you spare some time for your favourite big brother?’

Marti laughs but he can hear the sounds in the background start to fade before he hears the sound of a door slamming shut. ‘Okay emo boy, what’s up?’

He’s just a little bit offended. ‘Emo boy?’ He can’t be that bad.

But Marti doesn’t let up. ‘I’m sorry, Smerek.’ She says mockingly. ‘But you’re literally verging on Eeyore levels of sad and pathetic.’ She takes a moment to think. ‘Definitely not as cute though.’

He can’t help but laugh and that seems to encourage her. ‘I know you’re probably calling to get my sage advice because your life is crumbling around you and you’re like ahhh what am I supposed to do, tell me oh wise one.’ He rolls his eyes even though she can’t see. She’s only a little right. ‘So I’m going to tell you exactly what to do.’

Derek starts to wonder if this was such a good idea. ‘I’m not sure I want to know.’

Now it’s Marti’s turn to be offended. ’Trust me, you do.’ She clears her throat, preparing to deliver what she’s sure is going to be life changing advice. ‘Step one, get your head out of your ass.’ He starts to say something before she cuts him off. ‘I know you and Casey love to play the denial game, but for some reason the universe put you together because there is no else in the world who could be around you guys so much and still want to be together.’

It’s only slightly uncomfortable to be getting advice from your little sister about how to get together with your stepsister but Derek manages to push that aside. ‘Marti.’ She cuts him off again. ‘I know she was with Calum for a billion years but everyone knows she wasn’t herself, not really.’

Derek shifts uncomfortably in the driver’s seat now. Marti’s not said anything for a couple seconds now but now he doesn’t know what to say. ‘For some crazy reason, I love you two weirdos and I want you to be happy. So don’t be an idiot.’

‘I thought you were supposed to be on my team.’ He counters and she sighs like she’s talking to a wall. ‘I am on your team, but I also play part time on Casey’s team and I’ve already given her this pep talk so now it’s your turn.’

They lapse into silence again. ‘So it’s really easy as one step?’ He asks and she laughs. ‘Yeah, it’s really that easy.’

But it’s not that easy. Maybe they can talk but the thought of seeing Casey, of taking that chance when he’s always been reckless and kind of stupid, it’s hard. So he doesn’t do anything about it.

Then one day when he’s dicking around on his laptop, working through lesson plans and trying to schedule practices, an email comes in.

It’s from Casey. Nothing in the subject line, very unlike her, who usually sends overly detailed emails with equally detailed subject headings. He clicks on it and finds that’s just an attachment, ‘Hostile Takeover’, it’s her play. ‘I want you to read it. It would mean a lot to me. Best Regards, Casey MacDonald’. Her automatic signature underneath an almost heartfelt message makes him laugh but he downloads the pdf anyway.

And he reads it. He can’t stop once he starts and when he’s done, he leaves. He stops by the corner store and picks up a pack of menthols before he gets into his car, chain smoking the whole hour long drive to Toronto.

It takes him almost another hour to get to her building, because of course there would be traffic at 3am on a Thursday night. He manages to catch a guy walking his dog as they’re going into the lobby and slips by. He’s tapping his fingers manically against his legs as they get into the elevator. The other guy looks at him like he’s crazy but maybe he is. He kind of feels like he is. He darts out once he’s on the right floor and runs down the hallway until he’s standing in front of her door.

He bangs on it and she opens the door with a frying pan in her hand, ready to beat to death whoever is out at this hour. ‘What are you doing?’ She hisses at him once she realizes that the humming ball of energy outside her door is Derek.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, switching it on to show her her email. ‘This is about us.’ He tells her, doesn’t ask because he knows.

She looks offended, hand curling around her bathrobe to pull it closer. ‘What? No it’s not.’ Her voice gives her away, she is such a shitty liar.

‘Hostile takeover? I said that to you once, when we were fighting about the bathroom shelf.’ He knows because he remembers, staring her down from the doorway to his room, feeling all self righteous. He remembers what he said before, that they weren’t a merged family and he was right. Maybe they could be brought together but there would always be this gap, this space that couldn’t be shut that stood between him and Casey.

She won’t look at him now, staring at her feet, then over her shoulder. ‘You’ve said a lot of things.’ She shrugs now, trying to be casual. ‘It doesn’t mean it’s about you.’

He shakes his head. ‘Yeah, because it’s about us.’ She looks up at him. It’s there, just under the surface, the subtext that only he could ever understand. ‘Case.’ He’s almost pleading now, not just for the truth about the play but about everything, all these years.

Her shoulders slump in defeat. ‘Okay, so maybe it is.’ She pushes a strand of hair from her face.

Derek waits for the feeling of satisfaction to kick in but there’s still something bothering him. ‘So I die in the end?’ She blinks, confused. ‘Why do I die in the end?’

There’s a beat, just a second and the look on her face is impossible to read. ‘It needed an ending.’ She admits.

‘It needs a different one.’ And he does it. He crosses the threshold, stepping into her apartment, bringing a hand to her neck and leaning down just slightly to bring his mouth to hers. She grabs his shirt and pulls him closer. She melts underneath him and maybe the kiss isn’t the first time but there’s another first for them that night and it’s better than they could have imagined.

They make their own ending this time.

 

* * *

 

They’ll be sitting in the theatre, family on either sides. She’ll be twisting a ring on her left hand in that way she does when she’s nervous.

It’ll be the one that he gives her, not at the fancy restaurant over wine and dinner like he’ll have planned, but when her stiletto gets stuck in a subway grate and she demands him help her pull it out. He’ll be there on one knee and think ‘fuck it’ and pull out the little velvet box. She’ll yell at him for forcing her to remember the proposal being with her foot stuck to a smelly grate but say yes.

He’ll notice her nerves and reach out to hold her hand. She’ll smile at him, grateful that he’s there with her.

She’ll have an interview to do after the performance, and he’ll wait with the rest of the family before they all go out to dinner.

They’ll all fall into a neat two-by-two line and he’ll hold her hand the whole walk to the restaurant. She’ll be beaming but asking him what he thought and he’ll tell her it was amazing even though he knows nothing about the theatre. She’ll tell him he’s the best muse.

They’ll fall behind their family and kiss in full view of the whole city, and when she’ll pull away to look at him, he’ll ask her if she’s got the ending the story needed and she’ll say yes.


End file.
